BERKELEY, Calif. – In a shocking twist of events, dozens of students have come forth with information about the lecture you skipped: your professor totally knows why you didn’t come to class today, dude.
“He literally said so during lecture,” commented your classmate (the one who sits right next to you, and knows your name but you’re totally blanking on theirs). “He said, verbatim, ‘and to anyone who missed lecture today, don’t forget that the windows to this classroom face the Glade. I can see you from up here – we can all see you from up here. It’s like getting opera seats at a Grateful Dead concert.’”
Your GSI, conveniently out of class early at 4:15pm, stopped by the carefully placed trampoline amidst the quilt of baja-jackets and frat couches to share more information.
“Well, it was pretty obvious that attendance was going to be low on a day where everyone was going to be high,” he rather haltingly explained. “Well we took the attendance – oh yeah, that was mandatory by the way. Don’t worry though, I’ve totally got you, I’m graduating this semester anyway. So right, what was I saying? Oh- sorry did I ash on you? Uhhh wait, shit, what was I talking about? … Oh yeah, class. Right. Either way, Prof. just dismissed everyone at like 4:10 and bolted out of the class towards… well towards here, actually. Hey, do you have more pre-rolls?”
Serendipitously, your Professor was just then spotted gliding through the throng of smokers holding a plastic bag emblazoned Berkeley Patients Care Collective. Settling down on the liminal border between woodchips and abused grass, he took out what was decidedly not a corncob pipe and (rather fittingly to the canceled lecture on dynamics of wings) demonstrated a drag. Peering over his transition lenses and adjusting his now grass-stained khakis, his eyes wandered to your quadrant of grass, before finally locking with your gaze. Wandering over at 4:19, he had the following to say.
“Oh, hello. So, I see you’re enjoying some ‘fresh’ air today instead of more scholarly commitments? Right, well, nemo saltat sobrius, as Cicero said. What am I doing here? Research. It’s an anthropological field study on the effects of cannabinoids on group social behavior. Why do I have a Grateful Dead baseball cap on? And tie-dye socks under my oxfords? This is a form of immersion. After all, how can you study a population without fitting in? Oh, and the pack of pre-rolls? Well, I obviously don’t know how to roll, so this was the most logical solution. Suffice to say, I understand why you’re here, and I won’t judge… that is, provided your discretion as to the nature of my research. I didn’t necessarily clear my methods with the department…”
At 5:00pm, your Professor sent an ad-hoc memo canceling his concurrent lecture. It read:
“No class – sleeping on glade. Go do art.”