NEW YORK CITY – A pair of surprise terminations shocked the American polity as two of the most fiery commentators across the ideological spectrum, Tucker Carlson and Don Lemon, were let go from their networks. In a shocking turn-of-events, NBC has flouted the decisions of Fox and CNN by hiring the pair to join the same project; Carlson and Lemon have just been announced as immediate replacements for Jost and Che on Weekend Update.
“It was the right decision by far,” began longtime SNL producer Lorne Michaels. “And I mean by far, like a far-right decision. Colin and Che have been doing a great job behind the anchor desk for the past few years, but me and some of my closest bosses friends at NBC believe that we need to shake things up with a bold change of direction. Everyone loves a comeback story, and we see that ‘buddy comedies’ test highly with our audience of 18-24 year-olds, so we figured it was the natural choice to give these two down-on-their-luck talking heads a second chance.”
Seth Meyers, longtime ‘Weekend Update’ anchor and current Late Night host on NBC, commented on the transition.
“This was an unexpected hire, for sure,” Meyers spoke, pausing with intent before continuing, “but it’s not out of the ordinary for Lorne to take big risks. When he was hired, Bill [Hader] was a simple bumpkin who could barely do ten silly voices – now, he has complete creative control over an Emmy-Award winning TV show. Just to be clear, not the one we started together, Documentary Now!, but whatever. I digress, Kenan himself was an anchor on CNN’s
‘All News for Kids,’ so there’s real precedent to hire a journalist like Don. Plus, Chevy Chase got his start here, so why not hire that scum-sucking bowtied asshole Tucker Carlson too?”
Outgoing hosts Michael Che and Colin Jost were eager to share their reaction to the news.
“Well, we were informed by our agents that Saturday would be our last show,” explained Jost, who inexplicably was wearing a bowtie.
“So many long years of commitment at the station, and this is how we’re treated? It’s an outrage,” Che said, scowling at the camera. “I think it’s time we take our talents elsewhere – Jost and I have been in contact with two legacy cable news stations (we’ll call them BMM and XOF) who are looking for new primetime talk anchors.”
Within the SNL writers room, first rehearsals have been reportedly tense. One cast member, who declines to use his real name, shared insights on the first read-throughs on Monday.
“When I do my Trump impression, I don’t actually believe the bullshit I’m spouting,” reported the anonymous source. “But watching Tucker in the read-through, I’m not sure he understands the writing… we had one cue card, for example, that had a rather innocuous joke. Something along the lines of ‘Student government elections overturned in a military coup.’ Well, it just set him off. Suddenly he went into an unscripted tirade about ‘woke moralists’ and the ‘fascist, communist left.’ One of the writers asked him if he even read the cue card, and his response was, ‘Cue card? No, that one’s from my diary.’”
One member of the rehearsal audience shared skepticism at the anchors’ ability to transition to a comedic role.
“I don’t know what the point of this hire is. It really seems like a ratings stunt for NBC. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the network in cahoots with big-named donors to put these two dupes back on the path to late night television. The Tonight Show went to Jimmy Fallon, an SNL alum who got Late Night first. Once Seth Myers (an SNL alum who did Weekend Update) gets the Tonight Show, then I bet you we’ll get Late Night with Tucker Carlson. Who’s going to be his bandleader, Ariel Pink?”
At press time, leaked internal memos revealed an NBC schedule with an early booking for “the Tonight Show with Don Lemon.”