NEW YORK CITY — Citing the need for more inclusive representation among their talking heads, Fox News announced plans this morning to replace former Tucker Carlson Tonight anchor Tucker Carlson with a more diverse cast of racists.
“For far too long, the pursuit of racial fear mongering has been dominated by straight, white, cisgender men, and it’s high time we added some fresh voices to the mix,” declared Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott in a public press release. “To this end, we will be replacing our most popular white male racist [Tucker Carlson] with a rotating lineup of non-white bigots, including but not limited to: Candace Owens, Dinesh D’Souza, Kanye West, Michelle Malkin, Kevin de León, and Daniel ‘Keemstar’ Keem (who is apparently 9% black). We hope this move will send a strong message to our viewers that racism isn’t just an endeavor reserved for the privileged few, but in fact something that people of all backgrounds can partake in.”
Carlson’s replacements look forward to taking the media network’s racial prejudice agenda in a more diverse, equitable, and inclusive direction.
“I, for one, believe that we need more people of color disparaging people of color,” said to-be host and prominent Black anti-Black racist Candace Owens. “I applaud Fox’s decision to move past their monocultural, white supremacist roots and embrace their multicultural, white supremacist future. Tucker certainly left some big shoes to fill, but I am confident that I will live up to his legacy. To prepare for the role, I watched thirty-five hours of green M&M porn and spent eight years repeatedly writing the word ‘woke’ on a wall and then getting terrified by it.”
Carlson himself does not seem to be very happy with his termination from Fox.
“Everyone thought I was being a conspiracy theorist when I started talking about the Great Replacement, but now look what’s happened—they’ve replaced me,” said Carlson in a YouTube video recorded from his mother’s basement. “I spent years telling white people that immigrants are taking their jobs; I had no idea that I wasn’t immune myself. I currently have a gig lined up at The Daily Wire, but who knows how long that will last. It’s horrifying. If things keep going at the rate they’re going, I might have to start actually working for a living.”
At press time, Fox was considering increasing the religious diversity of their staff by hiring a Muslim commentator to perpetuate Islamophobia.