WASHINGTON, D.C. – After serving a minuscule 31 years in the U.S. Senate, Dianne Feinstein has announced she plans to continue blocking any progress on the Green New Deal by remotely filibustering from her new residence in the pits of Hell.
“When I first joined the Senate, I was called a progressive trailblazer because I wasn’t your typical rich straight neoliberal white man. Rather, I was an out-of-the-box totally different type of human being: a rich straight neoliberal white Woman,” explained Senator Feinstein awaiting her inevitable trip to Hell in Purgatory. “But now, only a wee three decades later, my beliefs are considered outdated because they remained the exact same, fully ignoring any new perspectives or developments in society. People need to understand that anyone more conservative than me is a friend from across the aisle and anyone who remotely challenges my beliefs from the left is literally Joseph Stalin, especially that ethnic woman in the House who keeps telling people to ‘not blatantly kill the environment.’”
Feinstein staffer Jennifer Amorel had much to say regarding this announcement.
“It’s so inspiring to see that, in a world run by evil powerful men, we can have evil powerful women too. The problem with allowing a young person to replace Senator Feinstein is that no one can bridge the gap between the far right and the slightly less far right like her. She is the only Senator who has the confidence to fight the evil green agenda and defend the innocent and feeble oil industry. Totally unrelated but her personal investment portfolio of petroleum and airline companies consistently outperforms the market.”
Some voters, who endorsed Feinstein’s last Senatorial campaign, have expressed pride in their candidate.
“I knew when I cast that vote in 2018,” Sunnyvale homeowner Tim Esping–Andersen shared, “that I was voting for a hard-working woman who wouldn’t let any barrier stop her from making real change. Not sexism, not legislating in her 90s, and certainly not the subpar reception from the seventh layer of hell. If we let these short-sighted kids enact the Green New Deal, how is my lawn going to stay watered in ten, or fifteen months? Senator Feinstein is fighting the good fight, and possibly the chilling hand of the Fates.”
Following the announcement, the devil checked Feinstein off of a clipboard with a litany of names including ‘Mitch McConnell’ and ‘Reagan (Again).’