BERKELEY, Calif.– As part of his early plans to modernize campus grounds, Chancellor-elect Richard Lyons’ has announced the removal of Moffitt’s smoking section by Fall 2024. Some undergrads were disappointed at the news.
“I can’t believe it’s gone,” croaked embittered sophomore Sherry Garcia. “My time with the smoking section was too short. I hear older students walking around the halls, talking about the ‘good old days’ when they’d spark up a Cuban and work on their Data 8 projects. Or, when someone is really locked in to finishing their readings or their essay you can spot them smoking a pipe Sherlock Holmes-style. All that puffing left a picturesque smoke layer perfect for moody BeReals of me and my Sheng Kee Thai Tea. What type of cruel university would take that away from me?”
Undergraduate researcher JJ Medallion doubted the underlying health studies the University cited as justification. “Evidence linking smoking to deleterious health risks is dubious at best,” claimed Medallion. “I work in the Marlboro-Camel Lung Health Lab (generously funded by our namesake donors), and none of our research conclusively links tobacco smoke and environmental hazards. Rather, our studies hint that smoke-filled rooms only increase focus and academic performance.”
Likewise, some have detracted from the murky guidelines around vaping in Moffitt. Campus spokesperson Phoebe Merry clarified the official position outlined.
“We have determined that while Moffitt’s smoking section is expected to be totally removed by Fall 2024, we will retain the original vaping zone: the bathrooms.”
At press time, flyers posted around campus advocated a “naked run PLUS cigarettes.”