SAN FRANCISCO — In the wake of COVID-19, the worldwide need for healthcare professionals has skyrocketed, leading to concerns that medical schools will be training more doctors to meet demand. Despite these concerns, the University of California, San Francisco admissions department will be lowering its general acceptance rate from 2.2% to 2.0%.

“While it would make sense to use our increased public funding to accommodate more students, we have decided instead to invest our money in artificial prestige-building and increased gatekeeping,” said UCSF Chancellor Sam Hagwood. “Consequently, we will now be limiting our potential applicant pool to students with 4.0 GPAs, perfect MCAT scores, 300+ hours of community service, the ability to perform a handstand, and a direct biological relation to someone in our alumni network. We hope this decision will improve our standing on the US News and World Report and encourage even more future rejectees to apply to our school.”

Across the country, med school applicants have responded enthusiastically to UCSF’s announcement.

“I’m really, really looking forward to getting rejected by UCSF,” said Integrative Biology major Rajesh Gopal. “I’ve already gotten rejected by Johns Hopkins, Harvard, Duke, Stanford, Columbia, Yale, UCSD, BU, Emory, and UCI. I only apply to schools with incredibly low admissions rates because any school that would actually accept me must be really shitty.”

COVID-19 victims, by contrast, appear to be conflicted about the university’s exclusivity.

“So, uh, the doctor that’s supposed to be taking care of me left me alone with this ventilator I don’t know how to operate because she has 36 other patients to attend to,” said UCSF patient Jonathan Doe, “but I guess it’s really cool that she got straight A’s in all her undergraduate courses, including Foundations of the US Airforce.”

At press time, the UCSF Medical Center released a follow-up statement declaring that, starting Friday, it would only admit the top 1.4% of COVID victims to its Intensive Care Unit.

 

Image courtesy of UC San Diego Jacobs School of Engineering

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