We tried interviewing an engineering student about this topic, but unfortunately our reporter collapsed from the smell after approaching one. Fortunately, after regaining consciousness, they were able to interview an EECS student over zoom.
Man Easily Navigates Dwinelle, Still Unable to Locate Woman’s Clitoris
BERKELEY, Calif. – As Berkeley students once again struggle with the endless labyrinth that is Dwinelle Hall, one man has emerged champion, remarkably finding his classroom within mere minutes; the location of his girlfriend’s clitoris, however, still remains a mystery.
“It was no big deal,” shrugged a bashful Justin Lawry to a roaring sea of fans. “I sorta stepped through those doors and, I don’t know, I just had a gut feeling. Something deep within my primal instincts almost seemed to sing to me; next thing I know I’m taking a right, another right, a left, another right, another left, walking up two flights of stairs, crawling through the tunnel that connects the north and south wings, taking a left, climbing up a ladder, taking the slide down the other end, and taking another right. Boom. I was there.
JPMorgan Exec Replaced by Pre-Haas Freshman in Berkeley Consulting
JPMorgan Vice President of Business Operation and Strategy Chuck Price announced plans to step down this past weekend, following the recent trend of older JPMorgan execs resigning to make way for newer, out-of-the-box thinkers.
“I know this might come as a shock,” reported Price, “but I have an excellent replacement lined up: Cal pre-Haas freshman Doug Doolittle. Despite stiff requirements and stiffer competition, Mr. Doolittle has managed to land a coveted spot in one of UC Berkeley’s most prestigious consulting clubs, Berkeley Consulting. I know the critics will spear me for giving my job to a freshman while I retire to the Cayman Islands, but moving from Berkeley Consulting to JPMorgan was simply the next logical step for this young man.”
Pussy-Ass Students Still Want Mental Health Support for In-Person Instruction
BERKELEY, Calif. – As the Fall 2021 semester draws near, UC Berkeley students are vying for the continuation of the additional mental health awareness and …
Top 5 Things in Berkeley to Lick Once You’re Vaccinated
1. The Candy? Hole in the Bathroom of Morrison Library There’s this weird hole in the wall between two bathroom stalls in Morrison Library, and …
No Thanks! I Would Actually Prefer To Be Waterboarded: 6 Ways To Politely Decline Another Fucking Invitation To Hike The Fire Trails
We’ve all been there: A friend, or perhaps an eager Tinder match, invites you to spend time walking around the Berkeley Fire trails as if …
UC Berkeley #1 in Public Universities That Didn’t Participate in Capitol Riots
Recently, the high council of U.S. News & World Report added a new section to their exhaustive list of university rankings after a UCLA student …
Stampede of Berkeley Bisexuals Coming for Your Green Tea Mochi Ice Cream
Berkeley, CALIF. — Repeatedly in the past week, Berkeley residents reported seeing a frenzied yet emotionally-calming flock of approximately 200 students–all wearing turtlenecks and toting …
Top 10 Spots for Socially-Distant Dates on Campus
2020 has been hard. Pandemic is upon us, democracy is crumbling, and you haven’t gotten slammed over the handicap support bar of a Buffalo Wild …
DEAD BODY REPORTED: Cal Crewmate Suffering From Imposter Syndrome is Sabotaging Our Team
CAROL CHRIST (purple): Hello crew. Unfortunately, I am here to report that I found a dead crewmate in admin. I personally am able to do …