BERKELEY, Calif. — Recent reports from CalCentral confirm that, as of last Friday, the waitlist for UGBA 69 (“Deep-Throating Oski’s Massive Cock”) has grown to nearly triple the size of class capacity, much to the dismay of many up-and-coming-turned-down-and-sucking Haas majors.
“There’s no sense in beating around the bush: in business, you gotta give head to get ahead,” said newly-enrolled student James Jameson as he went down on the Golden Bear’s golden schlong. “That’s why I — *slurp* — am so glad — *slurp* — that I finally — *slurp* *aaah* — got into this class. Unlike those worthless plebs who are still on the waitlist, I’ll be fully prepared to suck my way up the corporate ladder. Today, it’s just Oski, but tomorrow it’ll be Jeff Bezos, or Mark Zuckerberg, or who knows, maybe even Elon M-” Jameson continued before he was cut off by the Golden Bear’s golden load tumbling down his esophagus.
Campus administrators have expressed shock at the incredibly high demand for UGBA 69.
“Honestly, we had no idea the course would be this popular,” explained Ann Harrison, Dean of the Haas School of Business. “Even though we know exactly how many students are in Haas and UGBA 69 is a prerequisite for basically every other course in our program, it was inconceivable that so many students would apply. Unfortunately, since Oski only has one cock, we can only admit so many students at a time. Those on the waitlist will simply have to pray that someone currently enrolled in the class just really, really sucks at sucking dick.”
UGBA 69, while technically a business course, is actually quite popular across majors. Many students are attracted by the course’s ability to simultaneously satisfy breadth, length, and girth requirements, while others are simply interested in the rock-hard course material.
“Hell yeah, I wanna suck Oski’s cock!” exclaimed DKE pledge and #345 on the waitlist Chad McKroeger, before randomly blurting “no homo tho. It isn’t gay if it’s bestiality. I just think Oski is such an icon, it would be an honor to have his cum tattooed on the inside of my throat, whether or not I get credits for it.”
Some students are less enthusiastic about spending quality time with Cal’s ursine mascot.
“Really, the whole thing blows,” said #669 Alfred Ascot III. “I mean, an entire course on sucking dick, and the only dick we get to suck is Oski’s? Seriously? The networking opportunities are nonexistent. Any course worth its salt would at least hook us up with the founders of Theranos, Solyndra, Cambridge-Analytica, or some other innovative, ground-breaking company. Hell, we could at least get to work with more of the 3” CEO standard instead of this 14” monster. But no, this is Cal, so all we get is Carol Christ’s sloppy seconds.”
At press time, several desperate waitlisted business students were caught on Sproul Plaza offering free blow-jobs to anyone with more than 50 connections on LinkedIn.