GLASGOW, Scotland — After a two-week climate summit, world leaders made the bold decision to allocate 7.2 trillion thoughts and prayers towards the climate crisis.
“Our heart goes out to all the families affected by this tragedy,” Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau offered. “Just know we’re praying for you, and hope this whole ‘climate change’ trend goes away soon. We don’t really know what more people want from us. We literally threw coins into the Trevi Fountain to wish away climate change—which we promise is the last time we will make water levels rise… Do people not believe wishes come true anymore? Have some whimsy, goddammit.”
On a national level, congress is as divided as ever on the topic of the environment. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who just arrived at the conference, recently argued a distinction between the two parties’ approaches.
“The United States’ despicable Republican house representatives want to maliciously delay and halt any climate legislation,” Pelosi accused, “whereas faithful Democrats like me valiantly fight for our planet by occasionally tweeting something vaguely hopeful and then ceding all possible ground at the drop of a hat. Clearly, we’re the good guys.”
Although the climate crisis is more or less acknowledged as fact, some at the summit still seem to have reservations.
“If global warming, why snow?” argued UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson. “If planet dying, why green trees still? If oil bad, why so money? Checkmate, libshit.”
When asked his opinion on the climate crisis, the US president gave a more simplistic response.
“Yeah, that’s honestly crazy,” Biden admitted. “Someone should really do something about that.”
According to most present at the summit, the summit consisted of hours of world leaders repeatedly shaking hands with one another and making casual small talk about the weather in hopes that it would do something.