BERKELEY, Calif. – UC Berkeley Rhetoric Professor Sue E. Sidal reportedly threatened to kill herself last Thursday afternoon after noticing various students zipping their bags almost a full 10 minutes before the conclusion of her 50-minute lecture, confirmed by a witness who had mentally left the lecture hall much earlier.
The incident occurred almost immediately after Sidal glanced away from her 148 slide deck presentation and saw what she later recounted as an “exodus of intellectually starved cowards.”
“I just don’t understand,” said Sidal, pausing the deck titled Simplified Marxist Theory: Redefined (part 34 of 100) to stare solemnly at the freshman already placing his airpods in. “This is quite simply the most transcendent theoretical framework for understanding the human experience and yet not a single student wishes to partake in this pathway of academic ecstasy. Do you not want to see these texts in dialogue with each other?”
Students report that the situation escalated after one particularly brass-knuckled senior slammed his laptop shut, a sound described by Sidal as a “sonic boom of disrespect.” Sidal then began drafting a note titled her “13 Reasons Why” on the 149th slide.
Several students named as reasons for her mortal departure, including business major Robin Banks, claim that boredom played no part in their decision to leave class early.
“I’m only taking this class to try and fulfill my breadth requirements,” said Banks, shrugging and checking her phone. “ I wasn’t trying to be mean or anything, I just have a class right after this and it’s like a 7 minute walk to Haas from here, so I literally have no choice but to leave early,” said Banks, employing selective memory towards Berkeley time. After additional prodding by our reporter, Banks caved, saying, “Look, I respect Professor Sidal’s dedication, but I need to network with the consulting clubs before class, alright?”
At press time, Professor Sidal has uploaded the remaining slides as a series of posts in a privated Youtube playlist and has reportedly refused to link them to bCourses.