Recently, my friend Aidan has punctuated every statement with “facts.” That’s fine, it’s a perfectly good ad-lib, but I have serious doubts his assertions have …
OPINION: It’s Never Too Early to Start Rigging Your Spotify Wrapped
It’s okay that one of your Top Three artists was the Glee Cast, but nobody needs to know that – the world simply isn’t ready for you …
Opinion: Everyone Get Off Eduroam, I’m Trying to Play Clash of Clans
Selfish students everywhere are hogging any shred of the already barely-functioning campus wifi that they can get their grubby mitts on, and it’s depriving me …
National Coming Out Day: I’m a Lesbian Who Gets No Action
You might be wondering why this is late. To be honest, I’ve put this off for a long time, and was too nervous to share …
Great Minds Think Alike? Professor Uses Restroom After Me
Reserve me a Nobel spot, book me a speaking tour, and stick me in the corner office; there’s irrefutable evidence that I’m a genius on …
Opinion: I Deleted Social Media Because I’m a Better, More Successful Person than You
Yes, though I know many of you may be shocked and appalled, the rumors are true. I have, in fact, deleted all social media platforms …
Foreign Language Professor Will Feel My Wrath as Soon as I Get Vocab and Grammar Down
BERKELEY, Calif.– Japanese professor Manko Wareme was in for a shock Monday, after coming back from the weekend to an irate yet incoherent, poorly-structured, and …
OPINION: Climate Change is Good and Prevents My Seasonal Depression
Every summer for the past few years I have heard the all too familiar phrase: “This summer was the hottest summer on record.” As summers …
To Those Ordering a ‘Flat White’ at Yali’s: I Am NOT on the Menu
Just as the Campanile bells toll for the start of the hour, caffeine-deprived students far and wide rush to my place of work, the last-standing …
REPORT: Is This Baby Onto Something? Bro’s Just Tryna Suckle
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal junior and current SAE pledge Edward “Ed” Opus was witnessed attempting to dap up a newborn in its mother’s arms outside …