Yes, though I know many of you may be shocked and appalled, the rumors are true. I have, in fact, deleted all social media platforms (all being everything other than TikTok, Facebook, and Twitter but those are essentials so just don’t count).

You may have noticed a distinct lack of sensuality on your feed lately and for that I can do nothing but apologize. That’s my bad, and I am deeply sorry. I know my absence has come at great personal cost to many, and that the people have been digging deep to ask the questions that really matter: how could I do this to you? How could I possibly find it in my heart to delete instagram (and snapchat) and therefore deprive my many friends, confidants, acquaintances, and fans of timely and regular content featuring me, the thrills of my daily life, and the occasional cheeky pose in a tiny outfit?

Well, the answer is simple: I am just a better person than all of you. Now I know this comes as no surprise, we’ve all been aware for quite some time that I am well above average, but I also I know that none of you could have predicted that the consequences of my objective superiority would be so dire. While you may all be suffering, I have found myself living the screen-free life that you, my less disciplined “friends”, can only dream of. That’s right, I know you are reading this after seeing it on instagram, if you actually bothered to read past the instagram headline at all. No, I’m not a mind reader. I just remember what it was like to be you.

As you read this I am probably off somewhere achieving, making change, meditating, journaling, engaging in a plethora of interesting and impressive hobbies, spending uninterrupted time with loved ones, being hot, fucking bitches, getting money, and of course, meal-prepping. In the time that it took you to do your routine wake-up scroll on instagram this morning while rotting in bed, I had already jogged for two hours, completed a 15 step workout routine, helped several old ladies cross the street, and eaten a perfectly nutritionally balanced breakfast complete with every food group. Yeah that’s right: because of my new and improved morning routine without social media, not only do I feel great, but my ass is fucking huge. Uh huh, all that nutrition went straight to my cheeks. Bet you wish I was on instagram even more now, huh? Too bad, this ass can only be enjoyed in its live, 3D, in-person glory. Sheep don’t get ass-viewing privileges, and you either have to accept that or make a change. 

I move in silence now and if you were a better person you would too. But I get it, no worries, I can’t expect everyone to be on my level. After all, there’s only so much room at the top.

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