Some people have accused me of being malfunctional, data-deficient, or even racist. I find all of these criticisms highly unfair. The truth is actually really simple—every Indian name is spelled wrong.
Chick Magnet? Five Bible Study Groups Asked For My Number
I know, even I’m shocked. In a place as gloom and doom as UC Berkeley, it’s hard to attract people organically nowadays. I’ve tried every …
OPINION: The Granola Bar in my Backpack has been to as Many Classes as I Have, it Should at Least Get a Minor in Something
You know that granola bar that’s been at the bottom of your backpack since late August? The one you threw in your bag before class …
OPINION: I Know Everyone Expressing Concerns About ‘Abnormal Snow Patterns’ Are Just Trying to Tell Me My Dandruff Is Bad
If you’ve been subject to strange weather reports warning of an impending snowstorm barraging locals with a flurry of white flakes, my bad!
Academy Award for Best Actor Goes to Me, Pretending to Have Done the Reading for Today’s Section
“It is my sublime personal pleasure,” Yang articulated, “to present this award for Best Actor to the student who gave the most convincing performance in their role as, ‘Person Who Read the Assigned Pages for Class Today.’ The award goes to… Tohar Zamir!”
Double, Double Toil and Trouble: I Dissolved my Diva Cup in a Pot on the Stove
To prepare, I set my large cast iron rounded pot on the fire in my backyard and began filling my pot with various brews (water). My two closest friends (proximity-wise, not emotionally), came to join me (they left their rooms, we are roommates).
Danger Alert: This DKE Member Just Called You ‘The GOAT’
It’s a Saturday afternoon and you’re popping 3’s on the basketball court like a fucking demon when all of a sudden Bryce from DKE yells, “Jesus Christ, [insert your name here], you’re the fucking GOAT!”
OPINION: It’s Okay If You Have to Stop and Tie Your Shoes
Picture this in your noggin. You’re walking with your friends in a horizontal line so it’s really annoying for people to bypass you and then, …
OPINION: Why is it Called ‘Sweater Weather’ When it Hasn’t Rained Sweaters in Over 50 Years?
It’s that time of the year again – leaves falling off shivering trees, rain and clouds keeping a perpetually gray sky, temperatures dipping so low …
OPINION: February 29th Exists, It’s Just 5’6” and Does Improv. You Just Need to Get To Know Him Guys, He Has a Nice Personality
Great. You’ve done it again. Another year of acting like I don’t exist. What do you call it again? A “leap” year? I’m literally 5’6”, …