If you’ve been subject to strange weather reports warning of an impending snowstorm barraging locals with a flurry of white flakes, my bad!
I think my scalp has gone through enough flaking that it’s completely regenerated into a new identity which, don’t get me wrong, was helpful in avoiding that pesky mail fraud charge in Florida. However, it’s also starting to pose a real environmental threat at the highest level. It’s gotten so bad the National Weather Service personally reached out to very nicely offer a year long subscription to Living Proof’s Dry Scalp Treatment – considerate but unfortunately useless. The inconvenient truth is that my dandruff requires a shampoo of such high medical grade caliber that the likes of which haven’t been conceived yet.
But if we don’t act soon, I fear I may send the Earth into its Ice Age era. Just last week when I ran my hand through my hair, it generated enough snow that Leonardo DiCaprio had to double his mega yacht usage in hopes of offsetting MY environmental footprint! What’s next? Taylor Swift having to triple the amount of private helicopter trips? This is starting to become a human rights issue as well!
Like the saying goes, God gives her toughest battles to her strongest soldiers. Unfortunately, I’m getting my ass kicked to the point where I’m dragging all of us down into a wintry, frozen end of times apocalypse. But all is not lost! If you want to FIGHT this generation’s greatest existential environmental threat (single handedly brought on by my own individual sole actions that I exclusively alone am personally responsible for, again my bad!), then the world needs you to take action. Buy the most unethically sourced SHEIN clothes for your overly theatrical theme party. Treat yourself, double bag that box of individually plastic wrapped apples you’re buying from Safeway. Don’t be afraid to spill a little gas on the ground when you pump, you naughty little environmentally conscious thing! I know it must seem overwhelming, but these small actions are truly the most impactful.
If one thing has been made abundantly clear, it’s that we shouldn’t expect the corporations and ultra-rich to pick up our slack. They already do so much, contribute so much, that asking them seems a little awkward! Could you even stomach asking Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott to buy a ‘his and hers’ couple’s plane in addition to their separate ones? What about asking the government to sponsor another oil pipeline when you don’t even have the gumption to leave the lights on? The lady doth protests too much, me thinks!
To face man’s most challenging challenge and confront this behemoth that behooves us, we must rise to the occasion! Think not what the supremely more powerful can do, but what you can do instead. I, for one, will probably have to commit to hats but that’s a cross I’m willing to bear.