STANFORD, Calif. – This weekend, the Cal football team will be competing in its 126th Big Game, a campus tradition lasting as long as it will take the University to pay off its $445 million debt on the Memorial Stadium. Research conducted on the exorbitant ticket prices revealed another ugly truth behind this highly sought-after event: a majority of those attending the Big Game lack it. 

The study, conducted by leading sociologist professor Dr. Ed Dhata, provides intriguing insights to the Cal Football team and fan base’s mutual lack of “game.” 

“A shocking number of Big Game participants matched or even succeeded the number of fumbles by the Cal Football team, a truly remarkable feat. Furthermore, the offensive lines uttered by fans are typically twice as effective in scaring away any romantic prospects than the football team was in any forward rushes, passing yards and even field goal attempts this entire season,” stated Dr. Dhata. “A potential cause for these results is that the population of individuals willing to pay upwards of $125 to watch two abysmal teams duke it out have a statistically significant correlation with having nothing better to do on Saturday afternoon.”

One such individual is Cal alumni Chad Majors, who has attended every Big Game since his graduation thirty years ago. 

“I wouldn’t miss this for the world. I don’t see a better use for my time than watching four hours of a mind-numbing sport in the blistering midday sun while getting so drunk with my boys that I don’t remember a goddamn thing,” Majors divulged. “It does make me miss the good old days of college when girls would actually date me, even if it was just for a bid. That and being the president of my frat for ten years, those were the times. But you can’t stay in college forever. Lord knows I tried.”

At press time, it was revealed that after the game, Majors and his “boys” ultimately had to return to their miserable, failing marriages, making them the true losers regardless of who takes home the ax. 

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