EMERYVILLE, Calif. — In this era of misinformation and partisan brainwashing, a completely false and libelous rumor has spread that I recently pissed myself while watching my favorite Italian plumber at the AMC Emeryville. However, unbiased fact-checking conducted by this star journalist has found these claims to be utterly false. 

“All I remember is that it was a pretty normal screening but when we came in to clean up afterwards, we just found this giant puddle of piss on a seat in the very front row,” incorrectly explained AMC Emeryville employee Sandy Wright. “There was a note written on a dirty napkin that said, ‘Oops! I saw Luigi up close and personal and I got nervous.’ We have assigned seats in the theatre so it’s pretty easy to go back and check who did it,” continued Wright, threatening to violate a hypothetical individual’s right to privacy like we live in a fricking surveillance state.

“My family sat a couple rows behind the urinator and it was very obvious the whole time that he was pissing themselves because he kept talking out loud, explaining everything that was happening. He kept saying things like, ‘Oh no, I’m so nervous to be around my favorite Mario character, Luigi! I knew I shouldn’t have drank all that bottled water earlier today,” alleged mother of two Dee Sappointed. “I was a little more accepting of it because I thought it was a child but then the movie ended and a fully grown 20-year-old man got up from that seat and ran out the door,” added Sappointed, who is clearly infringing upon my, I mean someone’s, right to do whatever they want in a movie theatre because we live in a free country and they paid good money for the ticket because they saved so much on free plastic water bottles from the coupon they found on the ground.

Some anonymous bystanders actually approved of the bravery and passion for the Mario brothers exhibited by this moviegoer who was absolutely not me.

“I actually think it’s really admirable that this person had the courage to express his god-given American right to be an individual and do whatever he wants without respecting the rights of others. That’s what this country is built on. His only crime was enjoying the least bad Illumination movie to the fullest possible extent. And honestly, if the rest of the audience were real Mario fans, they would’ve been pissing themselves too,” said this anonymous ally. 

While, as an avid bottled water drinker and a Mario enthusiast who was in the theatre that day, fingers have been pointed at me by the fascist AMC staff and parents who watched the movie. But journalistic research has found that the seat I purchased was actually a whole seat away from the piss-stained one, exonerating me without any question.

Following this fact check proving my innocence, another independent fact check also absolved me of puking out of sheer excitement after re-listening to the hit Fortnite parody song Chug Jug with You.

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