BERKELEY, Calif. — Ecologists at the University of California, Berkeley, are concerned that the past week’s atypical heavy rains have disturbed the local ecosystem.
“Getting five inches of rain in four days is far from normal; our ecosystem isn’t used to that influx of water,” explained postdoctoral geology student Jessica Hu. “Strawberry Creek, for example, is usually fed by runoff from the Strawberry Mines up in the Berkeley Hills — that’s what gives it its natural strawberry goodness. But with this influx of rain, it’s all watered-down and gross! I don’t even want to drink it anymore!”
After Police Chief Margo Bennett vowed to “not let the people drink river water that tastes like Bud Light,” Campus Chair of Flavorology John Tongue proposed solutions to the problem.
“Well, Bud Light is good, actually,” claimed Professor Tongue, “but that’s beside the point. Nearly one in five students rely on Strawberry Creek as their only source of natural fruit flavor. Until the flavor returns naturally, we may have to impose artificial natural flavorings into the environment to maintain balance. Unfortunately, all the university has in its flavor reserves is—” he gagged “ —grape, so we’ll use the measures sparingly.”
Some experts, however, were more concerned about the global implications of the rains than just the local ecosystem.
“Climate change is destroying the face of light, refreshing afternoon beverages as we know it,” explained Cal climatologist Dr. Anne Pepper. “Seeing the mountains’ dewy runoff overtaken by rainfall is just one symptom. As greenhouse gases trap Capri Sunrays in our atmosbeer, we see the gradual carbonation of our oceans. The Natty Ice Caps are melting. We’ve popped a hole in the flowzone layer. The tropicana regions may grow uninhabitable and expected climates may shift to leave Florida flooded and Canada dry. If we don’t crush this problem immediately, we’re on a track for sodamnation.”
At press time, campus was quietly covering up its plans to quietly cover up all the campus buildings that had flooded during the downpour.