I walk the campus every day knowing what these buildings are. I hear their slow, heavy heartbeats pounding in my ears like waves against the shore. I hear Evans, alone as the gentle green underside of a crashing wave. I hear Dwinelle, stuck inside the labyrinth her own mind. I hear VLSB, who’s a total fucking pick by the way. In the echoes I hear their pain.

I took it upon myself to remedy their pain. You think it’s easy to carry that burden? No. I chase their dreams like a dog chasing cars. I put hats on top of each one. Silly hats. Absurd hats. Hell, I bet the Joker would call these “Normal Hats.” These are the buildings. Their hats are their stories.

Exodia Hall (formerly LeConte)

How time flies! Just six months ago, this building had a completely different name. Now they’ve changed the labels and the decor! It’s having an identity crisis! The physics building is now renamed after a Yu-Gi-Oh! Card in the DARK Spellcaster archetype, so it obviously deserves a wizard hat. This one looks like the poop emoji, how fun is that?

Moffitt Library

Heh. hehehehehe. Hahaah. Ho ho. Hoo hoo. “Butt stuff.” hahahaha. 


Crab hat. Crab hat. Crab hat! Crab hat! Crab! Hat! CRAB! HAT! CRABHATCRABHAT CRAB HAT CRABHAT!!!!!!


(Wheeze) Elevator’s (wheeze) broken. (Wheeze) had (wheeze) to (wheeze) carry (wheeze) giant dinosaur-themed hat up the stairs. (Wheeze). It’s here now. Everything’s fine. (Inhaler puff). Everything (vigorous coughing) ‘s fine.


Finally! A spicy pizza pie from GBC that doesn’t taste like Marc Fisher’s hands and doesn’t have to support a dozen Totino’s Pizza Roll™ children back at home. 

Martin Luther King, Jr. Student Union

Oh shit oh shit oh shit I should NOT have tried to climb this one. Jennifer Doudna still has control over it as part of her ever-expanding empire, and has used her CRISPR gun to make herself grow giant. No no no no no oh please dear lord don’t let this be the way I go out. 

Cheese ‘n Stuff

Does campus own Cheese ‘n Stuff yet? I don’t know but I also don’t care, cause this cheesy hat is as WACKY as they come. IT’S A HAT THAT LOOKS LIKE CHEESE!

Jacobs Hall

Between its makerspace and design innovation coursework, Jacobs Hall is a breeding ground for innovation. It feels only right that it has the most innovative hat of all: the propeller hat.

Wheeler Hall

Okay I’ll level with you: there are a lot of buildings on campus and a lot of things to Photoshop here. I’m phoning this one in. Sorry.

The Social Sciences Building (formerly Barrows)

The Social Sciences Building has been feeling kind of down lately. It used to be full of joy and life and improv shows, but now it’s come to a screeching halt. It doesn’t even have its old name anymore. I’m sorry, Social Sciences Building, you quiet giant. I hope this froggy hat helps you feel better.


Women want it. Fish fear it. Frankly, it’s living my dream for me. ‘Nuff said.

The Campanile

The Campanile stands tall and alone. Head empty, no thoughts. Should a thought wander through its head, Sather Tower neither pursues it nor dispels it. The sky does not affect the cloud flowing through it; the mind at ease does not affect the thoughts it holds. The nesting falcons cry each year. The students ebb and flow, rushing by between classes and stumbling by after parties. Its only confidant is Abraham Lincoln’s equally stoic shiny copper head on the back. To be so alone yet so surrounded is a feeling long gone. I can only underscore it with a single gesture: an absolutely BONKERS Peppa Pig® Party Hat! 


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