BERKELEY, Calif. – Two weeks ago, admissions decisions from Berkeley’s Haas School of Business were released, consequently prompting a flurry of LinkedIn activity. 

“Econ is way better,” declared sophomore Jackson Fielding after silently removing the “Intended BS in Business Administration” from his bio. “The department is just so much more my speed.” A pair of boating shoes were sitting in the trash can behind him. “People say that Haas has a lot of great variety within its program or whatever, but honestly, I just don’t see it.” Fielding moved to his closet and ripped a freshly-pressed suit off its hanger. “And don’t get me started on the students. They’re called Haas-holes for a reason, am I right?” he let out a forced laugh and fervently deleted all of his UGBA 10 notes. “Seriously, I’m glad I’m not a part of that.” 

Aaron Brogan also had to make the switch to “Economics” on his LinkedIn profile, though he was considerably less upset.

“Would it have been nice to be accepted? Of course,” he began. “But am I going to let my Haas rejection get me down? Not a fucking chance. I wouldn’t give up any opportunity to have the lifestyle I heavily romanticized upon watching and misunderstanding ‘The Wolf of Wall Street,’ even if Karl Marx rose from his grave and strangled me with his cold, dead, penniless hands. I’m determined to be the exploitative prick I was always meant to be, regardless of my major,” bragged Brogan.

Lisa Lineman, another Haas reject, is slowly making her way towards a full 180 from Brogan’s mindset. 

“I was just realizing that I can still have a great job without a Haas degree,” Lineman started. “No matter what happens, I’ll probably still end up sitting in some office for eight hours a day, pretending I like coffee and wearing Ann Taylor. The only thing motivating me to get through the job will be the occasional time off I’m granted and the knowledge I’ll one day be able to retire, finally enjoying a life without forced labor despite being physically well past my prime.” She paused. “I mean, life will still be good though. Stop looking at me like that. You don’t own me, okay? Nobody owns me. All ownership does is drive competition and suffering. Wait.”

More updates to come on the Econ vs. Haas selection, as studies are increasingly indicating that it literally couldn’t matter less.

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