“With so many hopeful prospective freshmen, the admissions team wanted to get things straight early on,” Associate Vice Chancellor of Enrollment Femi Ogundele stated in a press release. “First off, you need to know that I don’t like Fleetwood Mac. It might come as a surprise, but let’s be real: most of you guys only like one of their albums anyway.”
Unvaccinated Friend Group Posts Spring Break Photo Claiming to Be Vaccinated, Spits in Waitress’ Face
“Just me and the homies Chet, Juliette, Klett, and Cishett kickin’ it in the 305!” Bennett captioned a maskless Instagram photo of a crowded beachside bar.
AFX Team Emerges from Underhill With No Knowledge of the Past Year
“We had heard accounts of Carly Rae Jepsen music traveling up from deep underground, but brushed them off as hallucinations that everybody’s subconscious experiences at one point or another.”
This Year’s Big Give Apparently Includes My Ex Giving My Best Friend Chlamydia
BERKELEY, Calif — Berkeley’s annual Big Give fundraiser, it seems, has extended its generosity to include donation of STIs to everybody in my friend group …
True Crime: I Put a Very Silly Hat on Top of Every Campus Building
I chase their dreams like a dog chasing cars. I put hats on top of each one. Silly hats. Absurd hats. Hell, I bet the Joker would call these “Normal Hats.” These are the buildings. Their hats are their stories.
The Free Peach Applicant FAQs
The Free Peach is a student-run news satire publication. We were founded in early 2019 by a group of disgruntled Black Sheep writers who wanted revenge. We’ve been losing popularity ever since!
Girlboss! The RA Who Just Wrote You up Is a Woman
In a win for women everywhere, Unit 2 RA Jessica Poole has just written up some freshman for alcohol possession.
Frats Stop Counting at Seven COVID Cases
BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite anecdotal evidence of fraternities being COVID hotbeds, a report by the Interfraternity Council suggests otherwise. “Stop lying to the people, dude,” …
Campus Libraries Ranked by How Cool Their New Vermin Overlords Are
Louie, the snake who does coke, lives here. I think he may have worked the desk pre-Covid? Anyway, he’s a slippery, legless asshole but he did invite me to his family’s lake house that one time.
Study Shows 60% of Your Friends Went Skiing During a Pandemic
“At the current rate, we expect skiing videos to take up a startling 92% of Instagram stories by 2022.”