BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley will rebrand its daily carillon performances to attract a younger, edgier audience, according to an official statement made by the …
8 “Crimes” the Woke Mob Will Cancel You For
1. Arson
Man’s built it for millennia, but now broken society says fire has to stay in a designated area. What would you even call that? A “fire place?” Look who sounds stupid now.
Campus Disavows Violence, Except for 1945 in Japan, 2001-Present in Guantanamo, 1966 in Indonesia, at Career Fairs, and in Memorial Stadium When It’s Profitable
BERKELEY, Calif. — The University of California, Berkeley officially denounced all violence, save for several cherry-picked exceptions, in a recent public statement. “The University of …
Professor Requires Students to Buy Tiny, Homunculus Clones of Him from Copy Central
“Textbooks are bulky, expensive, and information-bloated, so I’ve sent off only the key information to get duplicated at Copy Central,” Professor Sirico wrote on page 12 of his 53-page course syllabus. “For about $20, you can pick up a copy of me who knows all the course content. He will not, however, know basic stuff like toilet training or which fork goes where at fancy dinner parties, so teaching that to him is on you. In fact, his ability to use the toilet is going to be worth a quarter of your final grade. Good luck!”
Dog on Glade Unaware He’s Only Source of Meaning in My Life
BERKELEY, Calif. — Amid finals, local terrier Toaster Sanchez has become the only source of meaning in life for many students. “I hate my major, …
College of Engineering Diversity Advert Shows Same Woman 6 Times in Different Costumes
BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley’s College of Engineering garnered criticism this week upon the release of a diversity pamphlet featuring only one woman, albeit in …
OPINION: You Call That Big Game?
So I guess Stanford and Berkeley are duking it out on the gridiron again. Whoop-de-doo. A team with a 3-6 record is going up against …
Free Speech Movement Derailed by Wario Savio
BERKELEY, Calif. — Activists at the University of California, Berkeley have found that the Free Speech Movement’s efforts of the past 60 years have been …
6 Campanile Songs That Sound Like Dogshit
Every day, Berkeley students get serenaded by three concerts, totally free of charge. It’s too bad that they’re played on giant century-old bells that can’t …
Berkeley Halloween Shops Sell Out of Skeleton Costumes Weeks Early, For Some Reason
Although weeks remain before Halloween, Berkeley’s costume shops have sold out of skeleton costumes, business owners report.
“It’s the weirdest thing,” Party City franchisee Alvin Bean recounted. “Normally these college kids don’t start buying costumes until the day they’re supposed to start drinking. Even then, the only skeleton costumes we usually move are the Skeleslut 2000s, with their patent-pending Realistic Skeletit Technology™. Then on Friday, a bunch of kids in turtlenecks came in and bought out all my cheapest stock.”