BERKELEY, Calif. — The University of California, Berkeley officially denounced all violence, save for several cherry-picked exceptions, in a recent public statement.

“The University of California obviously detests violence. After all, for the past 150 years, Berkeley has built up a reputation to be proud of,” campus PR representative AJ Blum wrote in an official statement. “Sure, our administration laid the groundwork for nuclear terror, aided in overthrowing governments, killed civilians, unsuccessfully tried to squash our students’ right to free speech, and provided underprivileged students cutting-edge brain damage— but that’s all been to massive profit! It’s with that history that we stand on the shoulders of giants, ensuring that future students can pull at the threads of American democracy after our faculty develop the technology to do so.”

Berkeley professors have upheld the statement.

“Sure, there’s money involved, but I think we’re forgetting the main reason to kill people: the sheer fun of it,” Berkeley law professor John Yoo explained while staring me in the eyes and refusing to blink. “It’s like I always tell my kids: play with your food first, then eat it. The longer we drag out our research, the more we get to play with new emerging technologies and/or rhetorical fallacies. With all that extra time, we can make our work more and more violent, which makes grant writers happy. When grant writers are happy, I get more money. When I get more money, I’m happier.”

The statement has been met with mixed reviews by the student population, but still has its defenders.

“This is a pretty sweet gig. Why would I bad-mouth it?” Golden Bears linebacker Jack Gelder told campus camera crews in between bench presses at Memorial Gym. “I get a free college degree in a field I feel nothing for and all I have to do is work a full-time unpaid job outside my classes. Then when I’m done, I might be able to play a ball sport on TV for three-to-seven years before doing normal work as CTE slowly erodes my relationship with my loved ones. I, for one, can’t wait to yell at the TV every Thanksgiving wallowing in the shadow of what my life could have been instead.”

At press time, AJ Blum was seen wandering campus with a rusty pipe to let UCPD divert attention from more important matters.


Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

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