BERKELEY, Calif. — Friday nights at the Taco Bell on Durant Avenue have long been plagued by drunk partygoers, broke TAs, and frugal masochists with IBS waiting hours in line for the chance to maybe get their black bean chalupa order. Taco Bell has recently sought to eliminate these exorbitant wait times, however, with the introduction of their new order presale system on the ticket sales platform Ticketmaster.

“The ordering mechanics are more or less the same as before,“ said Fire-Tier Bell Rewards member Bob Timberland. “You just pick an order you might want weeks ahead and confirm your presale on Ticketmaster. There’s a 15% chance your order gets placed, and Ticketmaster only takes a portion worth double the meal price. It’s a steal, really.” Before one could clarify these logistics with Timberland, he already jumped over the counter the second a noise resembling his name squeaked through the ear-shattering sound system.

Taco Bell fans have flocked to the Ticketmaster presale, most with multiple Ticketmaster accounts, shattering the record held by underground indie-pop artist Taylor Swift. The system hasn’t been perfect, though; the influx of rabid, hangry fans caused multiple Ticketmaster crashes on launch, leading to hundreds of corrupted orders and upset presale participants.

“I RSVP-ed for a Fiesta Potatoes without sour cream since I’m lactose intolerant,” said customer Parti Aloo. “Then the underpaid Taco Bell employee, wiping the spit of a drunk guy who jumped over the counter off her face, doused me with a carton of milk and tossed a potato at me. It was really disappointing that the crashed system led to this misunderstanding.”

The antitrust investigation into Live Nation Entertainment, the owner of Ticketmaster, has gained momentum as the company has diversified from the music industry and into the food industry; fans of Taylor Swift have also collectively filed a lawsuit against Ticketmaster and Live Nation Entertainment for robbing them of -$2,500 due to scalpers on the platform. However, Taco Bell fans, to whom even a 15% chance of a correct order is mystical, have other thoughts.

“Ticketmaster is the best thing to happen to the Durant Taco Bell since their 5-10PM Happy Hour,” said Ticketmaster supporter Isla Mabeans. “And nothing’s taking that from us. If you want to stand against us, pull up to Kip’s (a known neutral zone for food and song-lovers alike) with nothing but your fists and your willingness to have a subpar experience.”

Swift fans were seen responding to Mabeans’ challenge by holding up a sign reading “Tired of drama” through a Unit 3 window.

At press time, Ticketmaster proposed diversifying its monopoly, this time eyeing the overcrowded CS office hours industry.

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