Look at you! You’re in a Poli-Sci discussion section! A small, disgusting room crammed with 21 people who each think they have a genius-level IQ and yet struggle to perform basic arithmetic. Each one hates themselves more than the last. Mm! Love the smell of depression in the morning. Here’s every person in your Poli-Sci discussion section ranked in order of how likely they are to cry during sex.

  1. Dude Who Showed Up To Class In A Full Suit: This guy FUCKS. He is untouchable— the Alpha Chad of PS 144. (0/10)
  2. Only Taking This Class for a Breadth Requirement: Literally cannot point out Japan on a map, but is interning at Google this summer.
  3. Woke Exchange Student: Nasim! We love Nasim. Far too European to cry during sex. Has probably already taken a voluntary vow of celibacy to protest Brexit or something.  (1/10)
  4. Definitely Not High Right Now: Ha ha yes. Loves to smoke that classic ganja. Just gets ripshit on tokes of weed. So cool. (1.5/10)
  5. Your Section Crush: I love the way you wear that Patagonia quarter-zip, Alex…. Let’s go to Miami. (2/10)
  6. Guy That Might Be Old?: No one knows how old this dude is, but one time he mentioned watching the Willie Horton campaign ad on TV as a teenager? Only wears Creedence Clearwater Revival tees. (2/10)
  7. Antifa: You’ve literally never seen this dude in lecture, but he shows up to section every week dressed like a walking Pierce the Veil album. Actually does the reading and makes good points. Rawr XD. (3/10)
  8. Disaffected Sorority Girl: Every criticism you have of her is the manifestation of internalized misogyny, but you don’t care. (3/10)
  9. Currently Filling Out CNR Transfer Paperwork: Sits in the back and plays Pandemic for the whole section. Boycotts Amazon but Googles ‘Bezos dick pic’ once every two weeks. (3.5/10)
  10. The Person You’re Only Friends With Because You’re In The Class Together And You’re Sort Of Just Acquaintances But Now Maybe You’re Friends Because You’re In The Class Together? Not Like Get Food Together Friends But Like Maybe Give a “Love” React On A Facebook Post And It Wouldn’t Be Weird: (4/10)
  11. Movie Buff: Consistently references Black Hawk Down instead of the reading. (5/10)
  12. Ghost: It’s three-quarters of the way through the semester, so who the FUCK is this person you’ve literally never seen in your life? (5.5/10)
  13. Your GSI: They worked for the Peace Corps for two years in Africa and they mention it every section after they passive-aggressively ask if anyone has done the reading. (6/10)
  14. Girl Who Insists On Making Confused Moral Statements: White Feminist. Calls the professor Islamophobic for pronouncing ‘Iran’ like “i-RAN” but thinks hijabs are oppressive. (6.5/10)
  15. Disposable Member of ASUC Party Slate: Someone you know changed their profile picture to this person’s face? Maybe? Their anonymity is their greatest weakness. Definitely cries during sex. (7.5/10)
  16. Genocide Apologist: Can only finish if they’re thinking about Slobodan Milošević. (7.5/10)
  17. Class Clown: Making jokes and answering questions! They keep the class fun and everyone loves their jokes about genocide ha ha ha! (8/10)
  18. Did Debate In High School: Was it Mock Trial? Speech and Debate? Model UN? This person’s weirdly perfect enunciation is a dead giveaway that they did some kind of organized competitive debate extracurricular in high school— CRITICAL risk of crying during intercourse. (9/10)
  19. BCR Dude: Probably an incel, so no one can know for sure. (?/10)
  20. Frat Dude: He wears his chubbies to class and has his backpack embroidered with a Cal sports team even though he’s 5′ 5”? Is he their manager? Plus he uses a tablet instead of a computer. Lame. (11/10)
  21. You:  (25/10)

Wow, that’s a lot of crying. 

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