NEW YORK CITY – Facing declining attendance and increasing game durations, the MLB introduced a pitch clock in an effort to reverse these trends. However, fans and experts of the game have been using this new adoption to more accurately measure the inevitable crash and burn of the entire sport of baseball.
“This is a great invention and shows that baseball is not stagnating,” said pundit and former San Francisco Giants assistant coach Jim Sims. “By changing to fit the times better, the MLB can better connect with younger audiences and leave a lasting impact on them. This will help them better vaguely remember the sport after it ceases to exist because of how fucking boring it is. I coached the game for 25 years and the entire time, I wished I could be watching football or basketball instead. I guess it got fun for like 5 years because they got everyone all juiced up on roids but then the lame patrol came in and ruined all that fun. Let’s just say I’d be fine with having people irrevocably fucking up their bodies if it made this meaningless entertainment a little more entertaining.”
“The pitch clock has completely changed the game,” explained DraftKings CEO Chad Iction. “We’ve found a whole new market for sports betting. People have been steadily betting on baseball less and less because it is objectively not interesting. However, once the pitch clock was introduced, it allowed bettors to measure down to the exact second of when they think people will stop pretending to care about guys running around in weird stretchy pants. And this allows us to exploit people’s gambling addictions for profit help people enjoy the game.”
Economists are also enthusiastic about the benefits of this development.
“The temporarily increasing popularity of the sport will lead to city governments building new stadiums. This will lead to massive economic growth for the region,” explained University of Chicago economist Thates Th’Poor. “By diverting funds to build a new stadium that will inevitably be useless in 20 years, the area directly around it will get very specific business on some days of the year. And I don’t know about you, but throwing money at a game where guys spit sunflower seeds on the ground for most of it just makes more sense to help people than spending anything on healthcare, welfare, education, or anything wasteful like that. Anyway, read my book on why we should be allowed to buy and sell votes.”
However, while most people are in favor of this new change, some purist fans are protesting the pitch clock.
“These young kids think they can mess with tradition, but they’re dead wrong,” yelled 85-year-old baseball fan Smith Smithers. “How can we watch baseball if there’s no time for the television commentators to tell long unrelated stories about the minutiae of life while waiting for nothing to happen on screen? Can you imagine tuning into a sports game and not having distractions to make the game palatable?”
Following the MLB’s adoption of the pitch clock, the NHL is poised to follow suit by changing games to be just everyone fighting on the ice for an hour straight.