It’s a Saturday afternoon and you’re popping 3’s on the basketball court like a fucking demon when all of a sudden Bryce from DKE yells, “Jesus Christ, [insert your name here], you’re the fucking GOAT!”
Upcoming Panda Express on Bancroft Offers Relief from Relentless Stream of High-Quality, Authentic, Family-Owned Local Restaurants
“Oh man, it’s been way too long since I’ve had severe, rectal-prolapse-inducing constipation,” said senior Drum major Hunter Perry, who up until this point had been satisfying his late night cravings for indigestion with frequent trips to I.B.’s, Chipotle, and the Taco Bell Cantina. “When I’m feeling especially masochistic, a slice from Blondie’s will suffice, but the fact of the matter is that most of the food here is simply too rich in fiber to utterly destroy my digestive system. I’m so excited for the bone-dry fried rice from Panda Express to condense into an obelisk in my gut and carve the Grand Canyon out of my asshole. I swear to God, if that shit doesn’t tap my G-spot on the way out, I’m asking for a full refund.”
Math 54 Tries Out Exciting New Instruction-Free Course Curriculum
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following the departure of instructors Kelli Talaska and Katrin Wehrheim from Math 54 (Linear Algebra & Differential Equations), the UC Berkeley math …
Oh No: Due to Decades of Severe Gerrymandering, This Congressman is Now Shaped Like Chile
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Decades of intense gerrymandering have taken their toll on Congressman Rutherford Bates Lee (R-VA), whose body now resembles the Republic of Chile. …
Tragic! This Mayfly Will Live Its Entire Life on a Monday
“There are fates worse than death, and this is one of them,” explained entomologist and mayfly welfare enthusiast Garfield Garfield, who hasn’t experienced death yet and seems to lack the credentials necessary to make this bold claim. “I wish I could help the little guy out, I really do, but I am afraid there is nothing to be done. Perhaps with a bit of effort and the right environmental conditions, the mayfly will make it to Tuesday morning, but at what cost? Forced to endure the living Hell that is the first day of the work week…to have its soul slowly but effectively crushed by the relentless gears of corporate capitalism? And all of this just to lick the unwashed taint of a slightly-less-shitty day? It’s probably best to just squish the poor thing right now and relieve it of its misery.”
SUPERB Updates Crowd Control Measures by Promising That All Future Performances Will Only Feature Nickelback
BERKELEY, Calif.— Following a severe failure at crowd control during their Soulja Boy concert last Friday, ASUC SUPERB has promised to update their crowd control …
Too Woke? This Poli Sci Class Is Making Me Wake Up at 8:00 AM
At 8:00 AM, I don’t even have the energy to rebut every single one of the Professor’s points or talk over all of my female classmates. How can I be an effective student of politics if I’m too sleep-deprived to explain why straight white men are the most oppressed group in America?
Gym Bro Now Switching to Food-Based Diet
BERKELEY, Calif. — After cycling through a series of diets composed of raw meat, protein powder, and crayons, fitness enthusiast and influencer Ben Husslin has …
New Forbes ‘30 Under 30’ Just List of Landlords
“Personally, I bought my duplex using a loan whose interest and principal my tenants are paying off through their $3500/month [soon to be $4000/month] rent. This way, I can pay off all my debts and make a hefty 30% profit while contributing absolutely nothing to society.”
Checkmate, Liberals: If I Have ‘White Privilege,’ Why Does Nobody Like Me?
It’s actually quite hilarious that lefties think I have “white privilege” because in reality I am the furthest thing from “privileged.” In fact, I’m a total fucking loser with no friends, colleagues, or classmates who even remotely like me.