LOS ANGELES — At this year’s Academy Awards, Will Smith open-hand smacked Chris Rock in an attempt to defend his much-publicized marriage to actress Jada …
Lindsey Graham Faces Bipartisan Backlash After Advocating for His Own Assassination on Twitter
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., received bipartisan backlash after he seemingly advocated his own assassination. “My fellow loyal patriots — I urge you …
Student in Intro to Tamil Suddenly Feels Pressure to Pronounce His Own Name Correctly
BERKELEY, Calif.— “Oh God, oh fuck,” were the only words sophomore Tirunavukkarasar Thamilselvan could muster last Wednesday when he was suddenly asked to pronounce his …
Man With Imposter Syndrome Wonders if He Truly Belongs in Ukraine
MOSCOW — Proving his relatability to thousands of insecure students everywhere, Russian President Vladimir Putin recently described having feelings of ‘imposter syndrome’ following his self-admission …
Hypocrite Complaining About Air Quality Continues to Breathe
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a flagrant act of self-contradiction, local hypocrite Cassandra Liu continued to inhale oxygen through her nose while making a complaint about …
Study Finds Saying “Road Work Ahead? I Sure Hope It Does!” Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Violent Death
BERKELEY, Calif. – A study from the Berkeley Institute of Traffic-Related Deaths has found a significant correlation between uttering the phrase “Road work ahead? I …
New Plan To Expand Student Housing Involves Invading Ukraine
BERKELEY, Calif. – The University of California recently announced its opposition to a Russian invasion of Ukraine, citing its own plans to invade Ukraine for …
Sproul Preacher Oddly Familiar With What Hell Looks Like
BERKELEY, Calif. – Sproul preacher Preach Preacher garnered significant attention last Wednesday when he delivered an uncannily-detailed sermon about Hell. “There’s fire everywhere! Everything smells …
Local Indophile Excited to Finally Have 100% Authentic Indian Roommate
BERKELEY, Calif. – Local Indophile Alan Wattaberger was finally able to complete his apartment’s Indian-themed decor this Monday when he acquired a rare, internationally-sourced, fully-authentic …
Medical School Responds to Public Health Crisis by Lowering Acceptance Rate
SAN FRANCISCO — In the wake of COVID-19, the worldwide need for healthcare professionals has skyrocketed, leading to concerns that medical schools will be training …