BERKELEY, Calif.— Indistinct rambling was heard from room 214 of Wheeler Hall yesterday afternoon, nearby students report.
“Mmph mmhuhmpf, mhm mhumhmp hmpf,” uttered philosophy major Inoe Erything before pulling his spit-sodden turtleneck back below his mouth. “Sorry, this thing tends to creep up my face as I talk. What I was saying though was that, respectfully, bearing in mind the metaphysical context, I posit, insofar as the current dialect is concerned, and speaking here in corollary with the strict criteria theory at play rather than in juxtaposition to the dynamic existential argument, I consider your intrinsically hyperlexical perspective thought experiment to be nuanced, reflexive, and sound. In other words, based.”
Carmina Mendoza had much to say on her classmate’s enlightening contributions.
“You know how Dolly Parton’s husband has never seen her without makeup? Well it’s kinda like Inoe is Dolly Parton, everybody else is her husband, and the makeup is a black turtleneck and charcoal gray blazer,” Mendoza remarked. “It must be the way he moves his jaw or something, because every time he talks the turtleneck just finds its way onto his face and over his mouth. Once it got all the way up to his eyebrows, that was a really exciting day.” Mendoza continued, “Honestly, if it wasn’t for the fact that every third sentence out of his mouth gets muffled by that thing I definitely would have late dropped this class. His voice really aggravates my tinnitus.”
Professor Oldenwhite also commented on his incoherent student’s attire.
“You see this turtleneck I’m wearing? This is hand pulled cashmere I had questionably imported straight from the Gobi Desert; none of that Gap shit like Inoe’s,” Oldenwhite quipped. “You can always gauge the brilliance of a philosopher by the snugness of their turtleneck, which is why you can just make out my nipples in this one, see? Some students say it makes them uncomfortable, but I say if you’re comfortable in a philosophy class, then I must not be teaching it.”
At press time, Inoe was heard using a syllable-to-word ratio far above his reading level.