BERKELEY, Calif. — Every registered voter at Cal over the age of 18 has an opportunity to vote by November 8th at 8:00 PM, and …
Stylish! Boy Cuffed His Pants Today
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a groundbreaking display of finesse and style, Berkeley student Ryan Story cuffed his pants. “I mean, yeah, I just threw this …
Student Who Joined Club Realizes They Have to Actually Contribute Now
Freshman Edgar Fontaine, after staring at a blank, blindingly white Google Docs document for 2 hours, came to the grappling realization this evening that the club he recently joined entails doing actual work.
US Loses Brazilian Presidential Election
São Paulo, Brazil – In a highly contested election, the United States has officially lost its re-election to Lula de Silva, despite multiple destabilization efforts, …
BREAKING: Local Hero Realizes Disabled Students Exist
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a stunning revelation, campus sophomore and self-proclaimed social justice warrior Abel Isty discovered that disabled people are, in fact, present on …
Cool Friend Reinvents Hazing
The instant I saw Ash at the party, it was incredible – what a lax guy! Immediately he gave me a PBR, and then another, and then another, and then a couple more warm ones that he pulled out of his pocket; I was 3 months sober, but he knew I just needed to crack a brew and relax!
CNR Student Provides Expert Opinion: We Really Needed This Rain
Many are calling UC Berkeley’s College of Natural Resources student Karly Mandel a hero after her comments about the importance of the recent rainfall in the Bay Area. Sources report that Mandel is currently enrolled in ESPM 15, Intro to Environmental Science, where she has become well versed in the enormously complex concepts at hand.
Study Finds Most Successful Berkeley Student Just Robot With No Emotions, Hobbies, Family, Friends, Desires, Trauma, Opinions, or Values
BERKELEY, Calif. – Professors in UC Berkeley’s Department of Psychology appeared flabbergasted this past week when results of their research on characteristic success of Berkeley …
Haas Student Wearing Everyday Outfit Wins Contest for ‘Best Bloodsucking Parasite’ Costume
BERKELEY, Calif. – At an ASUC Superb event this weekend, undergraduate business student Michael Kochnoffer took home the grand prize in a Halloween costume contest …
Cult Member Not Pulling Their Weight in Group Sacrifice Project
BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite being a long-standing follower of the controversial Happy Fun Time Feelings Always organization (HFTFA), cult member Daniel Coventry has been totally …