Are you actually graduating? Will you be able to function in a 9-5 work environment? Didn’t you start college like two weeks ago? What the fuck is going on? In honor of keeping up with the spooky senior spirit, here are 5 things scarier than seeing “View Graduation Checklist” on your CalCentral.
How to Tell Your Grandma That She Fell Off
You love your grandma. Of course you do. When you were growing up, she made you delicious cookies and hot tomato soup and was an absolute gem of a human being to be around. So why has talking with her felt more… cringe than usual lately?
‘Over-Caffeinated’ Student Hasn’t Had Any Coffee Today; Just Anxious
Third year Rylie Brantford was spotted by friends while frantically rushing to class. She apologized for her frazzled state as she ran past, explaining she was just “over-caffeinated.” In an exclusive interview, Rylie revealed she hasn’t had an ounce of caffeine today.
Can Anyone Remember: Did We Do Something About ‘Kony 2012’???
How come he gets to have a number with his name? Who are the 2,011 other Konys?
Timed Exam: Finish Your Latte Before the Straw Disintegrates
BERKELEY, Calif.– As surely as summer follows spring, the never-ending midterm season follows summer and has again descended upon UC Berkeley – except this time you have a surprise exam at Strada.
Man Compensates for Small Dick by Being a Huge One
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following complaints that he is ‘unsatisfactory’ in bed, local MET student Will Weenis has decided to forgo claiming to have a huge …
Berkeley Thrifters Immune to Earthquakes Due to How Retrofitted They Are
“I was sitting in my car in one of the Nobel laureate parking spots, dreaming of a future where I could go there during the day and not in the dead of night when nobody would tow me, when everything came together: the earthquake didn’t want to shake that student because it didn’t want to damage their vintage Rick Owens.”
OPINION: I Should Be Allowed To Steal Things From Time to Time
If I want to steal one of those gentrifier metal stools from Super Duper Burgers or between 10-33 of the VLSB dinosaur bones, I should be able to. After all, I am the protagonist and everything is part of MY movie. But for some reason, according to an email from the office of Carol Christ, I’m apparently “banned from every restaurant, store, and classroom in the Berkeley metropolitan area for obvious reasons.”
REPORT: Nobel Laureate Really Sucks at Parking
Do you recall the Loma Prieta earthquake of 1989? The Little Ice Age? The Big Bang? No, no, of course you don’t. You have never seen truly terrible parking.
Holy Shit: GSI Just Cursed in Front of His Students Because He’s Chill Like That
BERKELEY, Calif. – Jaws and pencils hit the floor today when GSI Daniel Leaver dropped an f-bomb in front of his students, signaling far and wide that yeah, he’s pretty effing chill.