Welcome back to campus, bears! In light of tours, orientations, and events that have returned alongside our vibrant student body, we’ve decided to host our …
Medical School Responds to Public Health Crisis by Lowering Acceptance Rate
SAN FRANCISCO — In the wake of COVID-19, the worldwide need for healthcare professionals has skyrocketed, leading to concerns that medical schools will be training …
COVID Super Spreader Infects Every Child On The Planet In One Night
YOUR CITY, Your State – According to reports from minors across the globe, holiday cheer wasn’t the only thing being spread this Christmas Eve. Sources …
Supreme Court Possibly Rules Pro-Anti-Abortion, or Something Like That
WASHINGTON — In a landmark case undecided earlier today, the Supreme Court did nothing. Their indecision to be indifferent towards abortion clinics while ignoring the …
BP Celebrates Hanukkah With Festive Oil Spill
LONDON – This week, Jewish people around the globe finally ignited the candle-filled Hanukkiahs they keep year-long beneath the sink (behind the Clorox and the …
HBOMax Brings Back Smallpox for Special One-Time Thanksgiving Reunion
NEW YORK — HBOMax has announced smallpox as the latest recipient of a 2020s reunion and popularity resurgence. “We’re excited to bring Thanksgiving back to …
College of Engineering Diversity Advert Shows Same Woman 6 Times in Different Costumes
BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley’s College of Engineering garnered criticism this week upon the release of a diversity pamphlet featuring only one woman, albeit in …
Climate Summit Reaches Radical Conclusion, Allocating 7.2 Trillion Thoughts and Prayers
GLASGOW, Scotland — After a two-week climate summit, world leaders made the bold decision to allocate 7.2 trillion thoughts and prayers towards the climate crisis. …
Society Finally Sexualizing Asian Men Due to Fictional Game Where They All End Up Dead
LOS ANGELES — Thanks to the sensational worldwide Netflix hit Squid Game, our society has completed a full 180, effectively putting an end to the …
‘Kanye West is the Greatest Rapper of All Time’ Says Man Who Has Clearly Never Heard of Macklemore
“Remember ‘Same Love?’ I doubt gay marriage would still be legal if that wasn’t released. And let’s not forget his profound societal commentary found in ‘White Privilege II.’ Like, as a white man, he gets that people are racist. The Grammy Voting Committee clearly agrees!”