NASA’s James Webb Telescope has recently identified the vast, dense, awe-inspiring body at the center of our galaxy not to be a black hole, as had been previously assumed. After years of intimate analysis, new data has unveiled a shocking discovery: the supermassive object which binds the galaxy together is, in fact, your mom.
Leonardo DiCaprio Confesses He Actually Just Never Learned To Count Higher Than 25
LOS ANGELES — Following a break-up with girlfriend Camila Morrone, 47-year-old actor Leonardo DiCaprio announced that the real reason he dates women significantly younger than …
Aww! Kid Recruiting You on Sproul Can’t Wait to Brutally Reject You
He hands you a flier as you walk unassumingly across Sproul Plaza. He beckons you over to his co-ed business fraternity’s table under their custom-embroidered …
The Clintons Strike Again? Second Campanile Falcon Found Dead Under Suspicious Circumstances
BERKELEY, Calif. — Scarcely four and a half months after the ‘accidental death’ of Grinnell, a second Campanile falcon has been found dead on the …
Dorm Decorating Time! 4 Cute Mirrors From Target That Will Exacerbate Your Body Dysmorphia
Welcome back to campus! There’s nothing quite like putting your own personal touch on your room as you decorate for the upcoming semester – but …
OPINION: I’m Not Forgiving Student Loan Until She Actually Apologizes
Student loan and I go way back. We met at the end of my senior year of high school, and at first, everything was picture …
Why Does CalCentral Only Freeze, Not Slide to the Left or Crisscross?
After throwing my hands behind my head, I realized that CalCentral actually wasn’t threatening to arrest me, but was inviting me to do the Cha Cha Slide. Now I’m no AFX member, but I will admit that I’ve been to my fair share of Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. I patiently waited to be told to clap my hands and slide to the left, but to no avail — there was just silence.
‘The Legal Age Here Is 18’ Says Rich Friend About Doing Cocaine on European Vacation
“It’s so different. When you’re here, hanging with people like Ronald Reagan’s grandsons, they’re constantly asking if you’re over 21. And it’s like, come on dude. You know I’m always snorting coke with everyone at the weekly Berkeley College Republican ‘Imprison all Poor Drug Addicts’ parties.”
Top 5 Recipes Every Broke College Student Must Try!
Here at the 8.5%-more-expensive-than-last-year Peach, our staff has curated some ingenious and affordable meals on their $0 yearly salary – though that does include benefits: complimentary air, 20% off at participating Blockbuster stores, and free unicycle parking (for editorial staff only).
“This Is Literally 1984!” Cries Conservative Who Would Prefer to Take Us Back to the Dark Ages
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking but also entirely unsurprising decision, the self-described ‘apolitical institution’ that is the Supreme Court of the United States has …