Can’t feel your face? Weak. Your fingers falling off? Use your toes. You can’t hear out of your ears? You don’t use them anyway.
Forget Big Tech! The Devil Buys Souls for $200K Base, Plus Perks
HELLICON VALLEY, Underworld — In response to plummeting gluttony and pride caused by high inflation, the Devil has released soul applications for graduating seniors.
The Next Bill Gates? My Wife Divorced Me
I see Bill and I as kindred spirits — two intrepid, intelligent, inspiring explorers braving the vast and unfamiliar world of family court.
Shit: More People Think They Deserve Rights
BERKELEY, Calif. – In an unforeseen turn of events, yet another group of people who have been treated unfairly now think they deserve to not …
Anticipating Strike, UC Proposes Last-Ditch Raise Based on 1940s Rent Prices
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a vote on Oct. 26 whose turnout shattered historical U.S. election records, almost 50,000 Academic Student Employees (ASEs) across the University …
OPINION: Sorry I Didn’t Pay the Rent, I Have an Avoidant Attachment Style
I appreciate that she’s a great texter but it’s not my fault I’m avoiding her. To put it succinctly: I run away when people get close to me.
REPORT: Midnight Train Going Anywhere Headed to Millbrae/SFO
“Don’t Stop Believing,” Journey’s seminal, ‘80s anthem, has long stupefied the world of music scholarship with the cryptic midnight train going anywhere. However, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley have, through a grueling investigation, determined that anywhere is actually Millbrae/SFO.
Right-Wing Experts Report Dr. Oz Would Have Had Better Chance of Winning Had He Not Been a Doctor
PHILADELPHIA – As election results came in Wednesday morning to determine whether a renowned TV celebrity, and lesser known doctor, Dr. Oz, would beat John …
Dr. Oz Defeated by Last Minute Surge in Apples
PHILADELPHIA – As polling places shuttered Tuesday night, political analysts emerged with a consensus; “celebrity” “doctor” Mehmet Oz had been trounced in the contest for …
OPINION: Sacramento Is Important
Word is in guys: Sacramento is super important. I mean this state, this country, couldn’t function without the socio-economic powerhouse that is Sac-town. You know …