We live in a world full of love; it surrounds us with its warmth in various forms: friendships, family, romance, and particularly my toxic, yet oh-so addicting relationship with my landlord, Samantha. Though she’s consistent, punctual, and (too) communicative, we’ve been facing hurdles in our relationship.

Samantha is always asking for more through emails that whisper sweet nothings like “REMINDER: Rent Payment Due November 1st” or “WARNING: You Are Facing Eviction”. I appreciate that she’s a great texter but it’s not my fault I’m avoiding her. To put it succinctly: I run away when people get close to me. Through countless hours of TikTok therapy (thank you Therapyjeff) I’ve learned that my behavior shows signs of avoidant attachment, so I really need to step into my #thatgirl era first before I can seriously pursue this – paying the rent won’t happen until I really take the time to heal and soothe my inner child.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m toootally into her. I just feel like we should really take things slow, you know? November 1st marks one month (or two? three?) since our last rent anniversary, and I don’t want to rush our relationship. Though I’ve pleaded with her to be more forgiving, she keeps on increasing my payments and I don’t think I’m in a place to continue at this pace. My last relationship was completely rent-free so this is a huge emotional leap for me if I’m being honest.

Even my roommates, who are always brutally honest about my situationships, agree. Everyday they warn me about getting evicted and not paying my rent on time, though I think what they’re trying to say is that this whole relationship is toxic and a clear display of love bombing. The more Samantha emails me, the more I want to block her email address and never step foot in my 10 sq. ft. apartment in downtown Berkeley again – it’s just becoming too suffocating.

If you ever read this: I’m sorry, Samantha. It’s not you, it’s me.

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