BERKELEY – Calif. A recent open mic hosted by the English Undergraduates Association could be a demonstration of an upcoming epidemic sweeping college campuses across the country. ‘And you jab and poke me, a pool ball, you poke me in the heart with your cue, queue you, smash bang, I pool, I am a pool for you,’ read one of the speakers off their already cracked iPhone 15 Pro.
“I’ve been showing up at these open mics all around Berkeley ever since the album was announced,” said the poet, a freshman (undeclared, self-proclaimed) creative writing minor, who goes by the pen name ‘Dorothea’. “I’ve been snapping so much I have thumb calluses.”
Dorothea is one of many self-described “poets” feeling emboldened by pop sensation and billionaire, Taylor Swift’s, upcoming album, The Tortured Poet’s Department. Swift announced the album at the 2024 Grammy Awards, and the effect has been cataclysmic.
“All of a sudden, I felt a cool breeze kind of whip past my ears, it was like something…powerful had stirred,” remarked sophomore Betty Dickinson, frantically typing in a notes app that’s been running since 2014. “I immediately made my tumblr posts public – @thelovestrucklyricist, by the way.”
The following poem was posted on @thelovestrucklyricist’s tumblr:
I love you, say it back, back
Back in the good old
Days
When you loved me
Before you
Slept with my sister
Tumblr isn’t the only medium for revelations post album-release, nor is Dickinson the only “poet” to take to the street. Pre-Haas junior Phillip Schuyler, whose Soundcloud career and small slime business both were lost due to the after-after effects of the 2008 recession, has been seen selling his self-published poetry collection outside of Wheeler.
“Yeah, I used to have a therapist, and she told me I should write in a diary, so I journaled for a while. But Taylor inspired me. I told my therapist I didn’t need her anymore, and instead I’m self publishing that diary as a book of experimental poetry. It starts with a haiku I wrote when I was nine, and there’s probably like four and a half others too. I’m crowdfunding to get it global”, said Schuyler, whose new Amazon exclusive collection is called “I Wrote most of these at Strada but one was For my Mom,” and contains said haiku:
Happy Mother’s Day
Thank you for pushing me out
Of your bugina
The phenomena is not isolated to the cozy cafes of Telegraph adjacent, nor the corners of Dwinelle. Local institution and bookstore, Mrs. Dalloway’s, of Elmwood, has experienced the repercussions of this newfound “poetic” vigor.
“But we were ready,” states general manager Virgil Woolfe, “Our back room is exclusively Rupi Kaur. I have the whole Sherwood forest back there–300 copies of 300 pages of roughly 13 words each.”
While the surge in confidence from these amateur poets has been critical to reinvigorating the Berkeley small bookstore and cafe economy that was clearly struggling prior to the announcement of “Tortured Poets”, the overall effect has been met with mixed reactions on campus.
“The sheer number of applications for our upper division poetry workshop has been alarming,” said Professor Inez Yates, who received her Phd in creative writing from the Iowa Writer’s workshop, and was the poet laureate of her small hometown at the age of 19. “I really appreciate the desire and passion for the arts but…well I know they say anyone can cook but–oh I’m sorry it’s just some of this should have stayed locked in the notes app. I mean, you’re not using capitalization and grammar experimentally here, you just forgot to edit your typos!”
But many students disagree. Caught at Trader Joes buying out their selection of white wines prior to the 9 pm (west coast) album release on April 18th, and using a fake ID with the address, 1313 Cornelia Street to do so, Dickinson was steadfast.
“Prepare to be sick of me” said Dickinson, with a violent gleam in her eye and a G2 ballpoint in her hair, “I am the tortured poet they warned you about.”
As of now, many of the students, led by Dickinson, have taken to tabling on Sproul for what they are calling the “Tortured Poet’s Union”, who meet weekly at Musical Offering Cafe. The Cal Taylor Swift Society is counterprotesting in the name of “riding their dick”. When approached for comment from Taylor Swift’s team, there was no answer from the megastar. However, Travis Kelce, the singer’s current partner, wrote on the platform X(formerly known as Twitter) from account @tkelce, boosting the union’s cause and providing some of his own notes app poetry.
“ HAYYYYY @t0rturedp03tsuni0n , luv this man– all about the people! Here’s some of my best stuf:
Straight smashing
This life,
I’m the squirle now,
And life is my bread”