[THE 4TH CIRCLE OF HELL, BERKELEY Calif] – Passerbys were stunned earlier today as Haas freshman James “Money Man” Niani stood motionless outside a stunning …
“Let’s Do an SF Halloween Bar Crawl!” and 10 Other Plans that Won’t Make it out of the Group Chat
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a once-thriving, high BAC fueled economy, Halloween was the pinnacle of profit among bartenders and club managers in San Francisco. However, …
Local Student Co-Op Threatens to Throw Halloween Party
BERKELEY, Calif. – Earlier this week on Monday, UC Berkeley students were rattled by the release of a rather daunting Instagram post. A local student …
Loser Freshman Still Doesn’t Have Date for Homecoming
BERKELEY, Calif.– While the brothers at AEPi are getting moms drunk at seven A.M. this morning, mega loser freshman Tommy Tinklepants woke up to the …
Campus Bathrooms to Now Require Two Factor Authentication
BERKELEY, Calif – News from top Berkeley officials broke late last week about the implementation of a new widespread campus policy. In line with the …
Progressive Win! Fraternity to Replace Bid System with Weight List
BERKELEY, Calif. – The Theta Meta Feta Fraternity has been receiving attention for their most recent pronouncement which has sparked both praise and outrage in …
OPINION: Everyone Except Me Should Stop Raising Their Hand in Lecture
While not a professional yapper myself, I do dabble in endeavors like these, where I write on Instagram for attention, so I feel qualified enough …
Stanford Medical School Loses Key Funding After Grad Student Fucks up Brussels Conference
STANFORD, Calif. — Stanford University School of Medicine’s recent $55 million dollar donation is in jeopardy following gross misconduct of a graduate student at the …
Graduating Rausser Student Tosses Out Confetti Alongside All Principles
BERKELEY, Calif. — After four hard years of studying the environment and why it is important to protect, graduating Rausser student Talullah Messmacher commemorated her …
‘I Don’t Think the P-Value Is Significant at All,’ Says Stat 20 Student Drenched in Urine
BERKELEY, Calif.– At a recent Stat 20 final exam review session, freshman Bahd Kydnee enthusiastically answered “no” to a GSI’s question about whether the p-value …