Man Easily Navigates Dwinelle, Still Unable to Locate Woman’s Clitoris

BERKELEY, Calif. – As Berkeley students once again struggle with the endless labyrinth that is Dwinelle Hall, one man has emerged champion, remarkably finding his classroom within mere minutes; the location of his girlfriend’s clitoris, however, still remains a mystery.

“It was no big deal,” shrugged a bashful Justin Lawry to a roaring sea of fans. “I sorta stepped through those doors and, I don’t know, I just had a gut feeling. Something deep within my primal instincts almost seemed to sing to me; next thing I know I’m taking a right, another right, a left, another right, another left, walking up two flights of stairs, crawling through the tunnel that connects the north and south wings, taking a left, climbing up a ladder, taking the slide down the other end, and taking another right. Boom. I was there.

How to Care About the Environment Even Though CNR Kids Are Really Fucking Annoying

The world is ending. Fires are swallowing California faster than a freshman with New Amsterdam. Hurricanes are violently pissing on the country like a drunken fraternity pledge looking for his Clark Kerr bathroom. The arctic ice sheet is melting faster than the ice in your faux-compostable-plastic cup from Strada. Naturally, you want to care.

No. You do care. 

But alas, it’s really fucking hard to care with these “environmental kids” who won’t shut up about rock climbing at Bridges Gym, Robert Reich being “Daddy,” CNR having “great advising,” and how “easy” it would be for everyone in the world to just go vegan. 

After COVID Vaccine, Cal Wide Receiver Can’t Catch Anything

After Cal’s devastating loss to the Nevada Wolf Pack, it has become apparent that the COVID-19 vaccine has prevented wide receiver Wayne Johnson from catching anything. 

“I knew that getting vaccinated would prevent me from catching COVID, but I didn’t know the effects of the vaccine would be so weird,” reported Wayne as he dropped a frisbee. “After I got vaccinated my work schedule started having back to back shifts. I can’t catch a break. I’ve also been blanking on what people say after ‘Go’ at Berkeley. I think it starts with a B but my catchphrase knowledge is out the window.”

Woman Who Shit Herself in Public: “At Least I’m Not Being Forced to Hand Out Flyers For My Marketing Club”

Bowman later issued a statement claiming that public defecation was “Like a 4 on the scale of humiliation. After a week of verbally assaulting students on Sproul to inquire about their (obvious lack of) interest in sustainable business, I don’t think I have a sense of self anymore. My humanity kind of feels stripped to an abstract concept after trying to convince three thousand underclassmen that my club is worth taking an Airpod out for.”

JPMorgan Exec Replaced by Pre-Haas Freshman in Berkeley Consulting

JPMorgan Vice President of Business Operation and Strategy Chuck Price announced plans to step down this past weekend, following the recent trend of older JPMorgan execs resigning to make way for newer, out-of-the-box thinkers. 

“I know this might come as a shock,” reported Price, “but I have an excellent replacement lined up: Cal pre-Haas freshman Doug Doolittle. Despite stiff requirements and stiffer competition, Mr. Doolittle has managed to land a coveted spot in one of UC Berkeley’s most prestigious consulting clubs, Berkeley Consulting. I know the critics will spear me for giving my job to a freshman while I retire to the Cayman Islands, but moving from Berkeley Consulting to JPMorgan was simply the next logical step for this young man.” 

OPINION: Voldemort Went to Stanford, So Harry Went to Stanford, Also Stanford is Hogwarts

“Voldemort went to Stanford,” boast the cheeky graphic tees that the Berkeley quidditch team loves to flaunt. What a fun gag, to pin He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named as an alum of our university’s bitter rival. Ha! Ha! Ha! “Voldemort went to Stanford.” The quidditch team probably applauds themselves for this bit that actually sells – yes, people buy these shirts to wear, to declare their love of the magical world of Harry Potter and of their prestigious university! “Voldemort went to Stanford.” Have you ever even stopped to consider the implications of this analogy? “Voldemort went to Stanford.” Don’t you realize that your actions have consequences? 

Woke! Oski has Only Eaten Three Freshmen this GBO

BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recently-leaked email, GBO Steering Committee chair Jeffrey Cass claimed that this year’s orientation has exceeded all prior expectations.

“Everybody should pat themselves on the back,” Cass wrote to other committee members. “The numbers show that we’ve knocked it out of the park. This year’s incoming freshman and junior transfers can find, on average, a whopping two buildings on campus, up 100% from last year! The typical freshman has walked nearly three marathons! And, of course, we should give special credit to Dr. O’Reilly’s Oski Defense Taskforce (ODT). Thanks to those extra-strength bear traps you set out, the beast (in all His glory) has only taken three freshmen for his annual sacrifice! Great job!”