BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite having attended the University of California, Berkeley, since August 2021, senior and certified dumbass Noah Member has failed to do the …
Fee Fi Fo Fum Hosts Cross-Frat Rager with Ooga Booga at PeePeePooPoo House
BERKELEY, Calif. – Fee Fi Fo Fum made exciting shockwaves through campus by hosting a cross-fraternity party with another fraternity, Ooga Booga, at unaffiliated ‘men’s …
OPINION: I Can Fix Him, but Can Anyone Fix Me?
I’m a cracked UC Berkeley woman in STEM, so I never back away from a challenge, whether it’s gardening, crocheting, or explaining to a 6-foot …
“Berkeley Goggles,” Proclaims Sad Little Man About Aphrodite
BERKELEY, Calif. – Like most men of his age and maturity level, yet another Linguini-looking Diet Coke-addicted man who refuses to use soap to “save …
Berkeley Edges Spring Weather
Berkeley fucks me in a number of ways – the lack of walkable grocery stores, drivers who shouldn’t even be allowed to play Mario Kart …
“Call for Smiles and Positivity”: Chancellor Rich Lyons Shares Uplifting Video Message During the Armageddon
BERKELEY, Calif.– As fire and ash continue to rain from the sky for the 40th consecutive day, a distant ping rang from thousands of students’ …
Professional Yapper in 600-Person Lecture Really Needs to Learn What Office Hours Are
BERKELEY, Calif. – On a bright, early morning in Wheeler 150, Erm Actshually, a bright-eyed first-year student with too much 8-dollar Qargo coffee in his …
“Can You Just Watch My Stuff Real Quick?” Asks Student in Library Before Getting a Colonoscopy
BERKELEY, Calif. – Five random strangers in Berkeley’s new 24-hour library affectionately called “Doe” were appalled this evening after Defe Cayshun, a fifth-year senior whose …
What the Sigma? Student Jumped by Gen Alpha Gang on Sproul
OHIO — Six Gen Alpha students from Albany High School were charged by the Alameda Prosecutor’s Office with felony assault after surrounding and beating the …
Free Speech Prevails! Destroyed People’s Park Site to Be Named by Contest
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following their destruction of the iconic free speech landmark People’s Park, UC Berkeley reaffirmed their support of political expression by graciously allowing …