If I had a nickel for every time someone told me to be grateful for the opportunity to attend UC Berkeley, I would be able …
Breaking! Gig Car That Doesn’t Smell Like Weed and Ass Unearthed
BERKELEY, Calif. — On Sunday morning, after a riotous first few weeks of the semester, junior Tiffany Wilson made a bewildering discovery. Parked two feet …
REPORT: Catcaller Really Good at Tabling
BERKELEY, Calif – A recent URAP study conducted earlier this month has sent the Berkeley campus into a frenzy with its surprising, or perhaps unsurprising, …
Too Far? Chronic Baby-Talker Refers to Chernobyl as “Chernobies”
BERKELEY, Calif.- Late Saturday night, official news publications were alerted by the UC Berkeley’s Top Secret BINKIE (Berkeley Institute of Neuro-linguistic Kinesic Infant Emulation) Research …
“I Just Think I Could Do Better,” Says Man Addicted to Flavored Air
BERKELEY, Calif. – To the surprise of no one, yet another college-aged man has told his girlfriend that while she may check several of his …
“Sure, I’ll Table on Sproul Today,” Says Student with Humiliation Kink
BERKELEY, Calif.– After a long, hot summer away from the crowds on Sproul Plaza, most club executives dread the first weeks of the semester as …
Misleading Name? Berkeley “Playhouse” Won’t Let Me Make Vroom Vroom Sounds with My Toy Car
Warning: the story I am about to tell you features grave injustices and major gaslighting. Like many other theater-lovers, I attended a show at the …
Berkeley Consulting Replaces Interviews with “Naked and Afraid” Style Game Show
DEEP IN THE WOODS NEXT TO VLSB, Calif. – Berkeley Consulting has unveiled a new, state-of-the-art recruitment format by hosting their first annual “Stripped for …
“Actually, I Took a Gap Year,” and More Shit to Say if You’re Insufferable
Are you a socially awkward former “AP Scholar” who wants everyone to know how annoying you are? Worry not: here are a few things to …
Seemingly Intelligent Roommate Still Struggling to Understand Dish Rack
BERKELEY, Calif. — High school valedictorian, Bio and Computer Science double major, student athlete, amateur poet, startup founder, and Grammy-nominated third year Kenneth Winslow is …