BERKELEY, Calif.– In UGBA 135, Business Administration sophomore and “Tycoon Consulting” social chair Jake Thompson was seen falling to his knees in Chou Hall after …
Princess And The Pea? Kingman Girl Finds Soybean Under Her Mattress
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal senior Rea Cycling awoke Sunday morning with mild back discomfort, only to uncover the culprit: a lone soybean hidden beneath her …
Report: American Cultures Requirement Expected to End Racism by 2030
BERKELEY, Calif. — Despite claims of “reducing all systemic injustice to a 3-unit P/NP class,” a new report from political think tank colorBLIND suggests Berkeley’s …
Little Special Snowflake Uses Rockridge BART Station Instead of Downtown Berkeley
BERKELEY, Calif. – While most residents of Berkeley use the Downtown Berkeley BART station to commute to and from the city, little special snowflake and …
UC Berkeley Archeology Students Discover Remnants of Cafés 1 & 2
BERKELEY, CA.– A heating lamp, a silver serving tray, and questionably cooked eggs. These priceless artifacts were discovered by a team of UC Berkeley archaeologists …
‘Trump Just Runs the Economy Better,’ Says Man Who Failed Econ 1
AN AMERICA THAT’S GETTING GREATER BY THE SECOND – Confidence was in the air as Jeremy Smith waltzed out of his first Econ 1 class …
“I Actually Don’t Have Any In-Person Finals,” Says Humanities Major Unprompted
BERKELEY, Calif. – While his peers spent most of RRR week cramming for their numerous high-stakes in-person final exams, comparative literature major and guy no …
Math Majors See Suspicious Spike in Hinge Matches as Project Deadlines Approach
BERKELEY, Calif – As the fall semester reaches its end and final project deadlines arrive, an annual trend emerges: high-achieving Math majors are suddenly getting …
GSI with Degradation Kink Has Field Day with Negative Course Evaluations
BERKELEY, Calif.— On Friday afternoon, chaos erupted in Evans Hall when Math 16B GSI Keith Shepard was caught pleasuring himself with 50 printed out sheets …
Premature Assassination? UnitedHealthcare CEO Shot 4 Days Before Dead Week
NEW YORK – On Wednesday, UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson was denied his claim to keep living by an unidentified gunman. While reactions have ranged from …