BERKELEY, Calif. – Responding to concerns about a paucity of available undergrad research positions, the College of Letters and Sciences has successfully opened a variety …
Student Who ‘Likes Rain’ Still Uses Umbrella
BERKELEY, Calif. – Uproar ensued after Sara Wilson, an out-of-state student from Utah who proclaims they “like rain”, still used an umbrella following showers this …
UC Berkeley to Offer People’s Park Shipping Containers as Temporary Luxury Condos
BERKELEY, Calif. – On Tuesday, Feb 12, UC Berkeley’s housing director, Glen DeGuzmann announced the school’s latest project, “The Wall,” temporarily offering luxury condos inside …
Kip’s Bouncer to Be Permanently Stationed Outside Moffitt to Prevent Underage Overeducation
BERKELEY, Calif. — “I’ll need to see some ID, please,” asserts Berkeley’s latest addition, Kip’s bouncer Chuck O’Hare. He stands brazen, shielding Moffitt Library’s main …
Berkeley Reverses Email Policy After Realizing They Need It to Solicit Donations
BERKELEY, Calif.– UC Berkeley administrative staff shocked hopeless undergraduates this afternoon by walking back their alumni email cancellation. Defending the decision, Berkeley spokesperson Janet Gilmore …
Oh God, Guy on Ed Very Obviously a Reddit User
BERKELEY, Calif. – Hysteria arose amongst students in PUBPOL 101 when news broke that their peer Nick Beard was an active Reddit user, as determined …
Sorry About All the Construction, Phineas and Ferb Are Building a Rollercoaster
BERKELEY, Calif. — Students returning to campus after break have been greeted by a constant jackhammering of Bancroft Way (possibly sponsored by the anti-public transit …
Coffee Chat Followed by Bathroom Break
BERKELEY, Calif. — In the midst of recruiting for clubs, sophomore Krispen Kreamer followed her coffee chat with a bathroom break. Outside the bathroom at …
CalCentral Places Affectionate Hold on Accounts Just in Time for Valentine’s Day
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a romantic gesture that has stirred hearts across UC Berkeley, the campus’s online administrative portal, CalCentral, has begun placing “affectionate holds” …
Report: Yes, You Do Look Like a Fucking Loser Waiting for Your ‘Friends’ at Strada
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following their legacy of derivative research studies that no one asked for, researchers at Stanford University have confirmed that you (yes, you) …