BERKELEY, Calif.– After a long, hot summer away from the crowds on Sproul Plaza, most club executives dread the first weeks of the semester as …
Misleading Name? Berkeley “Playhouse” Won’t Let Me Make Vroom Vroom Sounds with My Toy Car
Warning: the story I am about to tell you features grave injustices and major gaslighting. Like many other theater-lovers, I attended a show at the …
Berkeley Consulting Replaces Interviews with “Naked and Afraid” Style Game Show
DEEP IN THE WOODS NEXT TO VLSB, Calif. – Berkeley Consulting has unveiled a new, state-of-the-art recruitment format by hosting their first annual “Stripped for …
“Actually, I Took a Gap Year,” and More Shit to Say if You’re Insufferable
Are you a socially awkward former “AP Scholar” who wants everyone to know how annoying you are? Worry not: here are a few things to …
Seemingly Intelligent Roommate Still Struggling to Understand Dish Rack
BERKELEY, Calif. — High school valedictorian, Bio and Computer Science double major, student athlete, amateur poet, startup founder, and Grammy-nominated third year Kenneth Winslow is …
Finally, a Leader Berkeley Can Count On: This White Man
BERKELEY, Calif. — Wednesday, after Hell froze over, campus administration announced that they have finally selected a successor to take over Carol Christ’s iron throne …
Media Studies URAP Involves Posting on Calfessions and r/berkeley
BERKELEY, Calif. – Responding to concerns about a paucity of available undergrad research positions, the College of Letters and Sciences has successfully opened a variety …
Student Who ‘Likes Rain’ Still Uses Umbrella
BERKELEY, Calif. – Uproar ensued after Sara Wilson, an out-of-state student from Utah who proclaims they “like rain”, still used an umbrella following showers this …
UC Berkeley to Offer People’s Park Shipping Containers as Temporary Luxury Condos
BERKELEY, Calif. – On Tuesday, Feb 12, UC Berkeley’s housing director, Glen DeGuzmann announced the school’s latest project, “The Wall,” temporarily offering luxury condos inside …
Kip’s Bouncer to Be Permanently Stationed Outside Moffitt to Prevent Underage Overeducation
BERKELEY, Calif. — “I’ll need to see some ID, please,” asserts Berkeley’s latest addition, Kip’s bouncer Chuck O’Hare. He stands brazen, shielding Moffitt Library’s main …