BERKELEY, Calif. — Although taking one’s studies seriously is typically regarded as important, sophomore Elizabeth MacDuggen believes that her ‘toxic’ boyfriend and medieval studies major …
UCPD Announces 40,000 Suspects in GBC Banana Heist
BERKELEY, Calif.– A campus-wide email sent on Monday evening shocked students, as they learned that amongst them walked a hardened criminal: the mastermind architect behind …
Major Advisor Now Only Reachable Through Séance
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a spooky turn of events, Computer Science Undergraduate Advisor Gong Whitdee Ngyuen has apparently changed their meeting availability to séance-only appointments. …
Professor Offers Extra Credit to Students Who Fail Midterm in Costume
BERKELEY, Calif.– Students enrolled in ECON 100B, Cobalt and Child Labor: A Match Made in Heaven, were dismayed to learn that their midterm would be …
Report: ‘Sexy Cat’ Neither Sexy Nor Cat
BERKELEY, Calif. — An investigative report led by renowned geneticist Professor Jennifer Doudna has revealed after rigorous research and genome sequencing that the infamous “sexy …
Harambe Moment? This Family Just Left Their Child Unattended in Doe
BERKELEY, Calif – In a moment of parental ignorance and confusion, the Smith family left their 9-year-old son unattended in Doe. “It all happened so …
Report: Lecture Great Time to Get Literally Anything Else Done
BERKELEY, Calif. — After opening the discussion for questions during Tuesday’s lecture, Professor Gopal Jhaveri was left utterly speechless at the lack of speech from …
Foreign Language Professor Will Feel My Wrath as Soon as I Get Vocab and Grammar Down
BERKELEY, Calif.– Japanese professor Manko Wareme was in for a shock Monday, after coming back from the weekend to an irate yet incoherent, poorly-structured, and …
Berkeley’s Hottest New Indie Band Actually Just MacBook Overheating
“It’s hard to describe. It’s just so ethereal. But I think it’s because she seems to come from this great line of independent, vanguard artists who exist at the forefront of experimental music. I can’t really do it justice but I’d say it’s like Gorillaz if Damon Albarn was a sensitive English major from Canada. So Grimes I guess, but more tinged with the concussive moodiness of Aphex Twin and the hypnotic transcendent quality of say, Tame Impala (which, if you didn’t know, is also a one person band). You’ve probably never even heard of half these artists, but trust– if you knew them, you’d get it. Maybe if more people actually grew up and developed their music taste instead of listening to whatever Spotify puts on their Top 100 playlist, then artistry like that wouldn’t go under appreciated. But continue supporting your industry plants or whatever.”
‘Is This How Happy I Should Be?’ Asks Student After Three Weeks of Not Attending Class
BERKELEY, Calif. – With the University of California still denying the majority of graduate student employees basic rights and actively attempting to threaten or block …