BERKELEY, Calif. — High school valedictorian, Bio and Computer Science double major, student athlete, amateur poet, startup founder, and Grammy-nominated third year Kenneth Winslow is no stranger to defying expectations. This trend continued last Friday when, despite his obvious aptitude, he again stunned roommates with an avant-garde interpretation of how to use a dish rack.
“Unless he’s trying to cultivate mold, I don’t know how someone can fuck up something so simple,” Winslow’s roommate vented. “I’m just tired, okay? Tired of grabbing dishes out of the rack and feeling my fingertips dip into that stagnant little puddle of weaponized incompetence at the bottom of every bowl. And it’s not just the bowls, oh no. He leaves cups upright, stacks plates, and seemingly refuses to understand that you have to take the dry dishes out of the rack before you put wet ones on top, leaving us with this blasphemous mound of moisture and unidentified bacterial colonies.”
Winslow pleaded his case at a recent house meeting, with poor reception from his peers.
“I want to learn, I really do, but I just can’t find the time these days to sit down and figure it out,” Winslow appealed. “Maybe I could come up with some kind of mnemonic device to remind me where to put everything. Like, for bowls: bowls start with ‘B,’ ‘B’ rhymes with bee, bees collect pollen, pollen makes you sneeze, ‘achoo,’ a choo choo train, trains run on tracks…. Okay, okay it’s not there yet but it’s close, I can feel it. What if you guys made a diagram or something for me. I’m more of a visual learner, anyways.”
At press time, Winslow revealed that he’s decided to skip the drying rack altogether, opting to put dripping dishes straight into the cupboard, instead.