Report: Everyone Here Knows You’ve Never Worn That Hat Before

“It’s sad, really,” shared that girl from your discussion section who always wears really cool outfits. “They’re just trying so hard. I happen to wear really awesome clothes and look incredible all the time, but I do it with zero effort. Everyone knows that if you look like you’re trying to be cool, the coolness is completely undermined. And honestly, I can’t believe they even remotely thought we wouldn’t notice how much effort they’re putting in by wearing that hat. I just feel bad.”

OPINION: Student-Athlete? I Just Walked From Dwinelle to Wheeler

This is all to say that I think that I should get all of the clout and attention of the student athletes. We share so many attributes like not being paid for our daily hardships (mine being my ten minute walk between classes, theirs being a silly little three hour morning practice before a full day of classes). If my request is denied, I will take matters into my own hands (which, by the way, I did not use at all while walking up the stairs) and borrow my sister’s volleyball knee pads so it looks like I’m injured. I will then proceed to wear said knee brace over my jeans so that I can reasonably justify calling myself an Uber in between classes without feeling like I’m out of shape.

The Naked Run 2: I Forgot to Take a Towel to the Dorm Shower

Campus janitorial services commended the new tradition: “We’re all for a new Naked Run 2 between the shower and your dorm,” mused Leon Tchotchke, head custodian of Bancroft Library. “You know how many of those little Febreeze wall-plug thingies it takes to get out the Computer Science musk alone out of our paperbacks? That’s without even considering the full hazmat setup we have to use after the PoliEcon kids make their rounds. Just wear the aluminum deodorant guys–ANY deodorant.” 

Ugly Students Protest the Tearing Down of Evans Hall in Solidarity

The protest lasted several hours, and included speeches made by prominent members of the club. The president, amidst roaring cheers from the crowd, made a speech outlining CUCK’s distaste with the university’s decision to tear down Evans Hall. In a dramatic conclusion, he began a lively chant, “Get up! Get down! There’s an ugly movement in this town!” The chant soon caught on, but became muddled as it made its way through the crowd. Dozens of protesters sympathetic to the cause could be heard yelling “Get down! Get down! There’s an ugly member of this crowd!”