Fall is in the air. You can feel it. Leaves change from a summer-y, Michael’s sage-scented candle green to a dark, Homegoods Halloween candle orange. The air turns just brisk enough to bring out your regular black stockings instead of your fishnet ones, and the trees along Sproul Plaza start looking like the Whomping Willow from the Harry Potter smut you love to read.
Report: Everyone Here Knows You’ve Never Worn That Hat Before
“It’s sad, really,” shared that girl from your discussion section who always wears really cool outfits. “They’re just trying so hard. I happen to wear really awesome clothes and look incredible all the time, but I do it with zero effort. Everyone knows that if you look like you’re trying to be cool, the coolness is completely undermined. And honestly, I can’t believe they even remotely thought we wouldn’t notice how much effort they’re putting in by wearing that hat. I just feel bad.”
Man Compensates for Small Dick by Being a Huge One
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following complaints that he is ‘unsatisfactory’ in bed, local MET student Will Weenis has decided to forgo claiming to have a huge …
Crowd Cheers as Acoustic Guitar Players Fight for Dominance of the Glade
BERKELEY, Calif. — Freshman Maya Whitman was surprised on Wednesday to see that her boyfriend, Michael Fisher, was surrounded by a crowd on Memorial Glade. …
CNR Student Celebrates Graduation by Bidding Final Farewell to the Environment
BERKELEY, Calif. — Conservation and Resource Studies major Clark Morrison celebrated his graduation from the Rausser College of Natural Resources on Sunday by bidding a …
Recycling, Compost, Landfill: All End Up in the Mighty Mouth of Korbulon the Destroyer Anyway
BERKELEY, Calif. — Environmental activist groups were shocked to learn that Berkeley’s recycling, compost, and landfill waste bins all end up in the same place: …
Friend With Car Probably Has Other Traits
BERKELEY, Calif. — Although Cal junior Dave Mills is best known for his 2011 Honda Fit (sport model), his friends report that he may have …
Fraternity Kappa Alpha Order Hosts Diversity Training in Robert E. Lee Conference Room
Content Warning: This article contains content discussing Confederate Army generals, slavery, the Klu Klux Klan, and more generally, white men being racist pieces of shit. …
Twitter Now Owned by The Free Peach After We Got It for Free on the App Store
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a surprise twist of surprising events, the social media platform “Twitter” is under new management after The Free Peach purchased it …
BREAKING: You Need to Call Your Dad, He’s Lonely
EVERY SUBURBAN TOWN – Local officials have concluded that your dad calling you three days in a row, all at 5:00 AM, is just the …