​​Haas Senior Watches Squid Game, Has Innovative Startup Idea

Berkeley, Calif – Haas senior Drew Balzarian struck inspiration while watching Squid Game recently. 

“I don’t usually watch TV, I’m too busy checking my Robinhood portfolio and mansplaining venture capital to first year girls I wanna trying to fuck. I don’t know why it’s a movie and not a business model. The dumbass director probably didn’t even care how much money he could make off of this. People keep saying ‘it’s satire,’ but it doesn’t have to be! I have 50 SF VC funds who are interested right now! Jeff Bezos offered to host it on The Moon so we don’t run into the mistakes we saw in the series.”

Berkeley Student Well-Being Emails to Remind You That You Are a Piece of Shit

New this week: Why Being Not a Fucking Piece of Shit Is the Latest Self-Care Trend

Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself, “Wow, I’m a Piece of Shit!”? Well, we experts at Berkeley Student Well-Being know. We’re here to tell you that that one missing piece of your self care routine is NOT using facemasks, NOT increasing general hygiene, NOT regular teeth brushing, NOT wiping thoroughly, but rather just: trying harder to NOT be a Piece of Shit. JFC. It’s not that hard (neither the process nor the shit itself!)

Berkeley Halloween Shops Sell Out of Skeleton Costumes Weeks Early, For Some Reason

Although weeks remain before Halloween, Berkeley’s costume shops have sold out of skeleton costumes, business owners report. 

“It’s the weirdest thing,” Party City franchisee Alvin Bean recounted. “Normally these college kids don’t start buying costumes until the day they’re supposed to start drinking. Even then, the only skeleton costumes we usually move are the Skeleslut 2000s, with their patent-pending Realistic Skeletit Technology™. Then on Friday, a bunch of kids in turtlenecks came in and bought out all my cheapest stock.”

Regular Friends Living in Regular House Need a Reality Show

BERKELEY, Calif — A local house of college students has declared their desire for a reality focusing solely on them, according to recently-screenshotted groupchat data.

“No, we need a reality show,” senior Honah Jill stated Thursday in a conversation regarding the uniqueness of his college group housing situation. “We live just like real people, but, like, funnier and more random. Remember last Tuesday when I instigated that text fight about the dishes, but I had forgotten that it was me who left them in the sink? Imagine the confessional for that. People would eat that up.”

Mercury is in Retrograde, Which is Why You’ve Been A Piece of Shit For 21 Years

People across the nation are losing their shit.

“During retrograde, a lot of our everyday communication is disrupted,”  explained Tigerlily Adams, caucasian yoga instructor and probable anti-vaxxer. “Like, when this undercover cop asked me if I sold shrooms to college kids, I assumed he was in college because that guy looked like a fucking virgin, so I said yes.” Tigerlily is currently under arrest for distribution of drugs to minors, but Tigerlily said “that’s just the way retrograde goes.”

God Confirms He Isn’t Dead, Just Went Out for Milk

In spite of God’s literal, physical manifestation on Sproul, many of His doubters remain unconvinced of his existence.

“If God is real,” began renowned logician and meme inventor Dickhard Rawskins, “why hasn’t he given me the Limited Edition Ultra Rare Pyrus Bakugan I’ve been praying for since third grade? He didn’t give it to me then, and he isn’t giving it to me now, so clearly he is either not real, or a real bitch.”

Following Parents’ Weekend, Students Count Down Days Until Next Seeing Jake’s Mom

BERKELEY, Calif. – The Berkeley student body quickly fell into a deep depression after realizing that it would be another year before their next encounter with Jake’s mom. Her presence this year had caused quite the disruption at many of the planned Homecoming events.

“At the Parents’ Weekend Sportaganza on Memorial Field, all eyes were on her,” Tom Marsh of Rally Committee said. “Nobody even paid any attention to the main event: a fight to the death between Oski and forty-three allied freshmen. The audience was too transfixed by her presence: mature, yet seductive. Heck, a buddy of mine on the ASUC financial committee says that every restaurant she visited experienced a 112% surge in popularity!”

Big Student Athlete Loves His Little Scooter

BERKELEY, Calif. – On campus today, one big student athlete was spotted whizzing around on his adorable little scooter.

“Nobody gets us,” whispered football linebacker Hulk Jacobson to his scooter as they flew up Bancroft. “They don’t understand the challenge of walking to class after a grueling practice. None of them could possibly comprehend the physical toll. But you know. You support me.” The scooter whirred happily as Jacobson continued. “Like, I’m sorry that my muscles are sore from getting us absolute L’s out on the field.” The scooter shot him a look. “The football season has been a little rough.”