The Free Peach

Everyone should be my friend but in a group. I’m a fun and cool person. I write for the Free Peach and I never mention the fact that I do improv sometimes. In fact, I’m so fun and cool that I constantly feel the need to mention it, as all fun and cool people do. I care about the environment enough to signal that I am a good person with morals but not enough to be annoying about it. And I would have voted for Bernie in 2016 if I was old enough to do that back then. 

I know you’re probably thinking “What’s in it for me outside your obviously exquisite personality?” Well, so many things. Like – a whole list of them. 

1. I’m a great listener. For example, I only ever interrupt people every 4th sentence.
2. I’m bad at arguing. Your ability to win arguments against me will probably make you feel better about yourself.
3. I’m fun and cool. I write for the Free Peach.
4. If we were all friends (specifically in a group) you would never be alone with your thoughts. We’d all benefit.
5. Friend groups are cool because in group conversations, there are no lulls you have to fill in with comments like “So, how are your classes going this semester?” or “Midterms, am I right? Ahaha.”

But I’m fully cognizant of the fact that that list might not be enough to convince you all. Some of you might be – heaven forbid – less convinced. And to that, I’d say, “But why? I could become really, really famous one day.” If that happened, you’d probably be like “Oh no, I guess I can’t form a casual group friendship with her because she’s like really, really famous now. Wow, this really sucks. I guess I’ll do my taxes now.” That would really suck, wouldn’t it? 

Luckily though, you still have time. Like a lot of it because it’ll probably take a while for me to become really, really famous. So let’s all be friends because it would be super fun and cool (I promise).