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Everything Your Relatives Fear About Berkeley

Posted on March 25, 2023March 26, 2023 by: Abhi Ganesh

‘Ryanair Is SO Cheap’ and 2 Other Ways to Act Like Your Spring Break in Europe Hasn’t Put You in Financial Ruin

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Category: Local News

Posted on April 27, 2022April 27, 2022 by: amychakladar

Twitter Now Owned by The Free Peach After We Got It for Free on the App Store

BERKELEY, Calif. — In a surprise twist of surprising events, the social media platform “Twitter” is under new management after The Free Peach purchased it …

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Posted on April 26, 2022April 26, 2022 by: Ajay Madala

BREAKING: You Need to Call Your Dad, He’s Lonely

EVERY SUBURBAN TOWN – Local officials have concluded that your dad calling you three days in a row, all at 5:00 AM, is just the …

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Posted on April 23, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Campus Curbs Spread of Misinformation by Simply Not Providing Any Information

BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to limit the spread of potential misinformation regarding yesterday’s campus-wide threat, UC Berkeley administrators announced that, going forward, they …

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Posted on April 21, 2022 by: Tohar Zamir

BREAKING: Everybody Knows You’re High Right Now

BERKELEY, Calif. – Dude, bad news–everyone can totally tell that you’re higher than Leonardo DiCaprio’s personal maximum for age gaps right now. Yes dude, I’m …

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Posted on April 20, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Second-Semester Senior Making Closest Friend He’ll Never Talk to Again

BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal senior Theo Parker has realized he may never talk to his newfound closest friends after graduation. “It’s never been a better …

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Posted on April 14, 2022April 14, 2022 by: Maya Howard

Freshman Found Adhered to Floor of Frat House Just Wants to Go Home

BERKELEY, Calif. – Late Sunday afternoon campus officials responded to reports that freshman Cindy Falseton had been inadvertently stuck to the basement floor of the …

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Posted on April 13, 2022 by: bennettfees

ASUC Voters Pass Ballot Initiative to Resurrect Grinnell Using Blood of Mark Fisher

BERKELEY, Calif. – The ASUC Ballot initiative to resurrect Grinnell the Falcon, who died under mysterious circumstances several weeks ago, using the blood of campus …

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Posted on April 12, 2022 by: Tohar Zamir

Self-Proclaimed Meninist Believes It’s Short for Marxist-Leninist

BERKELEY, Calif. — Bewilderment permeated the students of UC Berkeley as the latest flyer shoved into their hands by Speak Out Socialists boldly stated “MENINISTS …

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Posted on April 9, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Fowl Play? Grinnell’s “Accidental Death” Linked to the Clintons

BERKELEY, Calif.— “I have information that will lead to the arrest of William J. Clinton.” These are the last known words of Grinnell, the beloved …

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Posted on April 7, 2022April 22, 2022 by: Ajay Madala

Games of Berkeley Now Selling Russian Roulette

BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to better market to UC Berkeley Students, Games of Berkeley has started selling Russian Roulette. “The board games aren’t …

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