BERKELEY, Calif. – In a once-thriving, high BAC fueled economy, Halloween was the pinnacle of profit among bartenders and club managers in San Francisco. However, …
Loser Freshman Still Doesn’t Have Date for Homecoming
BERKELEY, Calif.– While the brothers at AEPi are getting moms drunk at seven A.M. this morning, mega loser freshman Tommy Tinklepants woke up to the …
Project Partner Sends When2Meet to Decide When to Send the When2Meet
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a thrilling display of productivity fit for an unpaid internship at Tesla, sophomore Nein Tofive sent his unsuspecting CS project partner …
Millennial Carded Despite Wearing Stupid Graphic Tee
SAN FRANCISCO — Jessica Swan, who recently moved to SF to join “X,” formerly known as Twitter, formerly a usable website, was shocked to discover …
BART to Change Frequency to ‘Fuck You, it Just Left’
OAKLAND, Calif. – Facing a major financial crisis, Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) has continued its trend of decreasing frequency of service. While the first …
‘Listen to Black Voices!’ Says White Man With Dreadlocks
FREMONT, Calif. – Black History Month has inspired conversations on Black issues—especially on how to best serve and represent the community. To see the range …
Big Al’s Reveals Hot New Flavored Vape: ‘Cigarettes’
BERKELEY, Calif. – While most other smoke shops have seen a loss in profits due to the passage of SB 793 prohibiting the sale of …
Man Realizes ‘Situationship’ is Not a Consulting Club Term
BERKELEY, Calif. — A shocking revelation struck Sproul Plaza this afternoon when certified “label-hater” Noah Stringson, attempting to reconcile with his pseudo-girlfriend, discovered that the …
51B Scares Passengers for Halloween by Arriving On Time
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a truly terrifying turn of events earlier tonight, the 51B arrived: not two minutes early, not twenty-seven minutes late, but exactly …
REPORT: Person Who Sat Next to You on 51B Personally Liked Your Vibe
BERKELEY, Calif. – Latest research conducted by the voices in your head has concluded that your fellow passenger – who sat right next to you …