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Posted on September 23, 2023 by: Jackie Fenner

To Those Ordering a ‘Flat White’ at Yali’s: I Am NOT on the Menu

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Category: Local News

Posted on March 31, 2022March 31, 2022 by: Ajay Madala

Frat Almost Kills Pledge as “Postmodern Commentary on Excess and Hedonism of Contemporary Society”

BERKELEY, Calif. — Following a recent hazing incident in which a freshman pledge almost died, Tau Gamma Rho junior and HR representative Bryce Chuck claimed …

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Posted on March 30, 2022 by: Maya Howard

Putin and Carol Christ Share Enthused Fist Bump Over Displacement of Innocent People

BERKELEY, Calif. — During a surprise visit to the Bay Area, Russian President Vladimir Putin and UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ met to discuss the …

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Posted on March 23, 2022 by: Tyler Goldstein

Republican Informs Guy Robbing Him He Doesn’t Have to Wear a Mask Anymore

BERKELEY, Calif. — A Republican man robbed at gunpoint earlier today reported that his assailant refused to take off his mask, despite the fact that …

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Posted on March 22, 2022April 22, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Student in Intro to Tamil Suddenly Feels Pressure to Pronounce His Own Name Correctly

BERKELEY, Calif.— “Oh God, oh fuck,” were the only words sophomore Tirunavukkarasar Thamilselvan could muster last Wednesday when he was suddenly asked to pronounce his …

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Posted on March 19, 2022 by: Tohar Zamir

End of an Era: Carol Christ’s Voice Actor Has Been Fired

BERKELEY, Calif.—Shock and heartbreak swept through the City of Berkeley as UC Regents announced that Carol Christ’s longstanding voice actor, Eden Zalahmi, will not be …

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Posted on March 19, 2022 by: schaudhury253

Study Finds the Caffe Strada Barista Hates You Specifically

BERKELEY, Calif. — Upon collecting data from multiple Strada Baristas, scientist Riya Chatterjee has confirmed that the Caffe Strada Baristas hate you specifically. “No, the …

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Posted on March 18, 2022 by: schaudhury253

“You Come Here Often ;)?” Asks Project Partner on Shared Google Doc

THE INTERNET — UC Berkeley sophomore Kevin Nguyen mistook his lab group’s shared need to pass ME 108 for something more this week. “Haha hey, …

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Posted on March 17, 2022 by: tomwickline

Hypocrite Alert: Berkeley Administration is All About “Student Wellness” Until I Need a Wire Transfer of $12,000 Immediately So I Don’t Get Both of My Legs Broken by Donnie “Thumbs” Carlo

Day after day, Berkeley students’ inboxes are flooded with emails referencing  “Berkeley Student Well-Being.” Campus administrators seem to be incredibly invested in the students’ livelihoods, …

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Posted on March 16, 2022March 16, 2022 by: anniebushh

BREAKING: River Of Scum Oozes Out of Haas Business School (Also, Water Line Broke)

BERKELEY, Calif.–On Monday, Berkeley students found themselves in an unfortunate predicament: an enormous flood of shit, normally contained within the delicate, expensive doors of the …

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Posted on March 16, 2022 by: Ajay Madala

Stanford Version of CALPIRG Raises $10K to “Kill All Them Turtles”

STANFORD, Calif. — After a recent fundraising event, Stanford University’s environmental activist group STANSHART found they had raised over ten thousand dollars to “kill all …

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