BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to limit the spread of potential misinformation regarding yesterday’s campus-wide threat, UC Berkeley administrators announced that, going forward, they …
BREAKING: Everybody Knows You’re High Right Now
BERKELEY, Calif. – Dude, bad news–everyone can totally tell that you’re higher than Leonardo DiCaprio’s personal maximum for age gaps right now. Yes dude, I’m …
Second-Semester Senior Making Closest Friend He’ll Never Talk to Again
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal senior Theo Parker has realized he may never talk to his newfound closest friends after graduation. “It’s never been a better …
Freshman Found Adhered to Floor of Frat House Just Wants to Go Home
BERKELEY, Calif. – Late Sunday afternoon campus officials responded to reports that freshman Cindy Falseton had been inadvertently stuck to the basement floor of the …
ASUC Voters Pass Ballot Initiative to Resurrect Grinnell Using Blood of Mark Fisher
BERKELEY, Calif. – The ASUC Ballot initiative to resurrect Grinnell the Falcon, who died under mysterious circumstances several weeks ago, using the blood of campus …
Self-Proclaimed Meninist Believes It’s Short for Marxist-Leninist
BERKELEY, Calif. — Bewilderment permeated the students of UC Berkeley as the latest flyer shoved into their hands by Speak Out Socialists boldly stated “MENINISTS …
Fowl Play? Grinnell’s “Accidental Death” Linked to the Clintons
BERKELEY, Calif.— “I have information that will lead to the arrest of William J. Clinton.” These are the last known words of Grinnell, the beloved …
Games of Berkeley Now Selling Russian Roulette
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to better market to UC Berkeley Students, Games of Berkeley has started selling Russian Roulette. “The board games aren’t …
As Gasoline Prices Soar, Should I Stop Huffing It? Our Experts Say No.
The price of gasoline has skyrocketed in recent days, burning a weirdly irresistible smelling hole in consumers’ wallets. I have been particularly hard-hit; no, I …
UC Berkeley WarnMe: AVOID THE AREA OF Doe Library (I’m There and Look Really Good, so I Don’t Want You to Feel Bad)
Please note this message will definitely contain information that you will find upsetting. On 04-04-2022 08:30:00, I looked hot outside Doe Library. At approximately 09:25:00, …