SAN FRANCISCO — Nationwide, college students home for the holidays have dared to attempt one of the bravest and horniest activities known to humankind. Psychologists …
Girl With December Birthday Feels a Little Upstaged by Jesus
BERKELEY, Calif. – UC Berkeley sophomore Alice Cunningham was disappointed to learn that Christmas was within three days of her upcoming birthday. “Sometimes, I really …
Dog on Glade Unaware He’s Only Source of Meaning in My Life
BERKELEY, Calif. — Amid finals, local terrier Toaster Sanchez has become the only source of meaning in life for many students. “I hate my major, …
Waldo, of “Where’s” Fame, Not Found Anywhere, Presumed Dead
BERKELEY, Calif. – A fourteen-year-long search for the missing Where’s Waldo? star ended Friday morning when investigators declared Waldo ‘dead in absentia.’ “It is with …
Local Villain Posts Entire Concert on Instagram Story
SAN FRANCISCO — Senior Kennedy Rosewood recently went to the Taylor the Maker concert at the Warfield, notifying 500 of her closest friends when posted …
Santa’s Elves Excited to Take Seasonal Break From Working Behind MLK Amazon Lockers
BERKELEY, Calif. – With the holiday season now kicking into full gear, Santa’s elves are moving back up to the North Pole for their Christmastime …
BREAKING: I Am Free This Saturday If Anyone Wants to Hang Out
BERKELEY, Calif. – According to sources on the Free Peach, accomplished and popular writer Tom Wickline has his schedule open all day this Saturday. This …
College of Engineering Diversity Advert Shows Same Woman 6 Times in Different Costumes
BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley’s College of Engineering garnered criticism this week upon the release of a diversity pamphlet featuring only one woman, albeit in …
Fuck, There Went All Our “We Lost” Jokes
STANFORD, Calif.- Despite the best efforts of the Stanford Football Team and COVID-19, somehow the Bears clutched a narrow 41-11 victory this weekend. “I just …
“Strong” Armed Robber Can’t Even Open Taco Bell Cantina Door
BERKELEY, Calif. — Notorious strong-armed robber Burlap Sachs was arrested this evening while struggling to open the door to the Taco Bell Cantina on Durant …