BERKELEY, Calif — As the only on-campus café where students can spend their flex dollars on caffeine, the Golden Bear Café experiences all-time high traffic …
Hot and Cold: Natural Phenomenon Otherwise Known as “Weather” Grips Berkeley
BERKELEY, Calif. – Various students across campus have reported, particularly when speaking to their class acquaintances while waiting out Berkeley time, that sunny, warm days are now transitioning into cooler, wetter periods. These varying temperatures have also been referred to by some as “the weather.”
“Yeah, it’s like, now it’s cold??” began sophomore Kady Gershwin. “It was so hot the other day, I literally had to wear shorts and a tank top. Then, all of a sudden, this morning it was literally freezing! I’m actually wearing a sweatshirt if you can believe it, it’s just that chilly. What is even going on here!”
Haas Senior Watches Squid Game, Has Innovative Startup Idea
Berkeley, Calif – Haas senior Drew Balzarian struck inspiration while watching Squid Game recently.
“I don’t usually watch TV, I’m too busy checking my Robinhood portfolio and mansplaining venture capital to first year girls I wanna trying to fuck. I don’t know why it’s a movie and not a business model. The dumbass director probably didn’t even care how much money he could make off of this. People keep saying ‘it’s satire,’ but it doesn’t have to be! I have 50 SF VC funds who are interested right now! Jeff Bezos offered to host it on The Moon so we don’t run into the mistakes we saw in the series.”
Berkeley Student Well-Being Emails to Remind You That You Are a Piece of Shit
New this week: Why Being Not a Fucking Piece of Shit Is the Latest Self-Care Trend
Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself, “Wow, I’m a Piece of Shit!”? Well, we experts at Berkeley Student Well-Being know. We’re here to tell you that that one missing piece of your self care routine is NOT using facemasks, NOT increasing general hygiene, NOT regular teeth brushing, NOT wiping thoroughly, but rather just: trying harder to NOT be a Piece of Shit. JFC. It’s not that hard (neither the process nor the shit itself!)
Berkeley Halloween Shops Sell Out of Skeleton Costumes Weeks Early, For Some Reason
Although weeks remain before Halloween, Berkeley’s costume shops have sold out of skeleton costumes, business owners report.
“It’s the weirdest thing,” Party City franchisee Alvin Bean recounted. “Normally these college kids don’t start buying costumes until the day they’re supposed to start drinking. Even then, the only skeleton costumes we usually move are the Skeleslut 2000s, with their patent-pending Realistic Skeletit Technology™. Then on Friday, a bunch of kids in turtlenecks came in and bought out all my cheapest stock.”
Carol Christ Attends Cal Football VIP Box Seats in “Save People’s Park” Gown
Carol Christ went full glam at last weekend’s home game, proving she’s not only capable of stealing land, but also the spotlight. “Oh this little …
Regular Friends Living in Regular House Need a Reality Show
BERKELEY, Calif — A local house of college students has declared their desire for a reality focusing solely on them, according to recently-screenshotted groupchat data.
“No, we need a reality show,” senior Honah Jill stated Thursday in a conversation regarding the uniqueness of his college group housing situation. “We live just like real people, but, like, funnier and more random. Remember last Tuesday when I instigated that text fight about the dishes, but I had forgotten that it was me who left them in the sink? Imagine the confessional for that. People would eat that up.”
Mercury is in Retrograde, Which is Why You’ve Been A Piece of Shit For 21 Years
People across the nation are losing their shit.
“During retrograde, a lot of our everyday communication is disrupted,” explained Tigerlily Adams, caucasian yoga instructor and probable anti-vaxxer. “Like, when this undercover cop asked me if I sold shrooms to college kids, I assumed he was in college because that guy looked like a fucking virgin, so I said yes.” Tigerlily is currently under arrest for distribution of drugs to minors, but Tigerlily said “that’s just the way retrograde goes.”
A Retrospective: Carol Christ Ponders, “Did We Steal Enough Indigenous Land?”
“Yet we have to consider, did we steal enough land?” Christ wrote. “We’ve got students to house, and, like, I mean, listen: a $4.1 billion endowment doesn’t exactly make us rich you know? What, you expect us to just buy a building to develop over when there’s some perfectly good public space right there for the taking?”
God Confirms He Isn’t Dead, Just Went Out for Milk
In spite of God’s literal, physical manifestation on Sproul, many of His doubters remain unconvinced of his existence.
“If God is real,” began renowned logician and meme inventor Dickhard Rawskins, “why hasn’t he given me the Limited Edition Ultra Rare Pyrus Bakugan I’ve been praying for since third grade? He didn’t give it to me then, and he isn’t giving it to me now, so clearly he is either not real, or a real bitch.”